New year, new opportunities – Or reflective ranting/education session?

Dear Readers,

How long has it been, about two months? Well, we’re getting better, at least better than the last time when it was 6 months. Since I know that new years resolutions don’t often work, I thought I’d make a post about what I’ve been up to and what opportunities I’ll try to seize. Some that sound easy but can be extremely hard to do. Let’s jump right in.

Dyspraxia – Or why I can’t catch a ball

For one thing, coming to terms with my dyspraxia, which I’ve had my whole life and I’ve learnt how to deal, telling people about it and accepting help. And I’ve never really had problems with that (being open to other people), but sometimes it’s just really hard and it hurts, especially since I am who I am and I’m trying so hard. Yet sometimes there’s nothing I can do but ask for help. And while I know that it’s okay sometimes it’s just really frustrating. I’ve started University in September and I really love it, English major what else would it be. Then I had exams and I messed them up because again, I was too slow. And again, my brain couldn’t access the information as fast as needed and as organised too. Imagine someone asks you for a fact. Now usually the brain works in the way of accessing information without situating it. But then there’s my brain and there the information is only accessible if it starts at where it originated from eventually getting to the information. Now, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing but in regards to exams not very useful. So it’s not that the information is not there, it’s just not as easily accessible as it should be. I know I’m not really in the position to complain. That’s not what I’m trying to do. What I want to do is spread awareness, since dyspraxia is a disease that was only discovered 30 years ago and often people don’t know what it is. So I’ll try to explain a little. Dyspraxia is a neurological learning disease without “cure”, so you’re born with it and you can’t shake it. But it’s not as scary as it sounds. It doesn’t affect your health. What it can affect are your fine and gross motor skills, your sensitivity to touch, sound or light and your ability to follow through with daily tasks such as cooking, getting dressed and taking care of your hygiene or knowing when it is your turn to speak in a conversation. What is important about this is that it affects each person individually. Some might have no trouble with tying their shoelaces but with following a recipe may turn into a living hell. Or opening water bottles. This can be really frustrating since it seems so easy and since it’s an everyday task that others don’t have trouble with. And if it takes you 3 hours trying to open a bottle until you have a blister on your hand, you could just scream sometimes. But then you remember that you’ve come this far and that you can just ask someone. It keeps you vulnerable but it teaches you a lot of valuable lessons. What it has taught me over the years is to:

1. Never give up
2. Be patient with yourself and be happy about seemingly small achievements
3. Ask for help. It’s not a sign of weakness, you’re a problem-solver.
4. Be creative.
5. Accept yourself for who you are.

That last one has been working pretty well, mostly. Sometimes it’s still hard to. All in all, I’m happy with who I am and still, it can be scary. Will other people accept and help me if I struggle? In my experience, yes if they get proof or if I tell them. It can be easy to think there’s nothing different, especially since it’s not physically visible. But that doesn’t mean the struggles aren’t there. That’s why it’s important to spread awareness. And to let other’s know they’re not alone and they’re understood.

 Photography – How to spend more time outside

Last year, I got a camera for my birthday. It was for the America trip I went to in the summer and I’ve been using it ever since. Taking it with me everywhere I go, so I’m not pressured to look for the right moment, I’ll just let it come. And I’ve learnt that it’s best to do things spontaneously sometimes, that gives you the best memories. So another goal this year is to spend more time outside since I tend to enjoy curling up under my blanket and reading or watching a movie. This could be extremely beneficial in a couple of ways:

1. It’s good for my health (had a cough I haven’t been able to shake for 8 months :(, oh well).
2. Psychological value, seeing this beautiful nature and what it has to offer is just priceless.
3. Training for Photography and my lungs, if I go hiking. So that’s a double benefit.

I’m going to have to cut the end of this blog post a little short since it’s getting really late. So I really hope you’ve understood what I’ve been trying to say.

In short, be yourself and spend time outside. Sounds simple, or does it? Maybe I’ll figure it out. If you have any ideas or if you’d like me to do a blog post about Uni or finally a new book review, just say so in the comments.

Hope you are all doing great. Goodnight, morning or whatever time it is wherever you’re reading this from.

Yours

Gioia

 

 

6 months and 10 days or “What happened here?”

Dear Readers,
I took 6 months and 10 days to focus. And now I’m back. I had a lot of studying to do and I’ve worked hard and now I’m back. You’ve probably already forgotten what my blog was like and what I used to write so I’m going to catch you up a bit on what I’ve been doing and why I’ve been so absent. First off, I didn’t find inspiration to write on here because books had lost their magic. In the last 6 months, all I read was stuff I had to read for school. And if you do something just because you have to and not because you want it, you just lose it. What I’ve realised in the last 6 months is that I just have to concentrate and widen my horizons to find inspiration. But I’m really glad to write again. It feels right and it feels like home. I’m very excited for the months to come and for everything ahead of me. I’ve turned 20 a few weeks ago and I thought to myself: Hell, time went by so fast. And now I’m thinking about the time when I started this blog, I was 16 and I was a completely different person. I was scared of a lot of things that are not understandable anymore. I was scared of losing people for just simply being myself, I had no idea about a lot of things and to be honest when it comes to mathematics I still don’t. As well as my thoughts about love and everything it entails. They were completely different and I thought it’s the only thing to achieve. I never thought I’d write a Novella of 65 pages and yet I did. So many things have become possible, some things I had to learn were not. I’ve found friends, some stayed, some left. I’ve learned what it feels like to fear for the life of someone very close. (The person is alive and well again) Looking back, I’m really happy about the way I’ve grown. And all the things I’ve learned to understand, all the experiences, good and bad, made me who I am. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Now, I realise that this sounds like a really bad pep-talk about growing up and it sounds like I’m really old. Not my intention! And it might sound like a really bad apology for having been gone so long. Again, not my intention! It is simply something I want to talk about and reflect on. Because it’s something that we all know. And sometimes think about. And people often don’t like to hear about that sort of stuff because they say one shouldn’t take oneself too seriously. Yes, I agree. However, sometimes it’s important to talk about it and get it out of your system. That’s what I’m doing. Secondly, I want to take this in another direction: future plans. In 47 days I’m going on my USA trip. I can’t wait for this adventure. Meeting all sorts of new people. A new culture. Taking lots of pictures with my new camera I got for my birthday. I got a Lumix DMC-FZ300. Still learning how to take good pictures. But that will be fun. I’ve already taken some pictures but I really want to learn how to work with shutter speed. Does anybody know? If so, please go ahead and contact me. If not that’s okay too. I’m planning on making a small travel blog for the 5 weeks that I’ll be away and other travels. Or maybe I’ll do a series on here. I haven’t decided yet. Please let me know what you think. And after my travels, I’ll start university. I’m so excited. There will be so much to learn, so many interesting things. Linguistically and in literature. Philosophy will be interesting too, I suppose. Well, I’ll see. Before all of that, I still have to pass my finals and then I’m done and can do all those things I just told you about. In 2 weeks. So I might not be as active in 2 weeks. But I can say, that I will not be gone for 6 months again anytime soon. I’m sticking to it. Definitely. Or at least for the foreseeable future. I think this is a good place to get to the end of my “I’m-back-Post“. I hope you are all doing great and living life to its fullest. What can I say, I’m glad to be back. And I wanna put a quote in here that I have found to be quite inspiring lately.

“Live, travel, adventure, bless and don’t be sorry.” 

By Jack Kerouac

I’m trying to live after that now, for it gives me the motivation to keep going further. I hope you liked this quote and that it gives you some kind of inspiration as well.

Good morning, Goodnight or whatever time it is wherever you’re reading this from.

Sincerely,

Gioia

Tides of Life – Weekly series part 6 (chapter 6.2)

Dear Readers,
Today I didn’t really have time to write anything at all, because I’ve got a week full of exams ahead of me. So it’s not gonna be a huge intro. I just hope you’re all doing well and having a great Pre-Christmas time. To read the beginning of the chapter just click here. So let’s get started:

August 23rd,1898

A lot had changed in that year. Jason and I didn’t get married. He couldn’t wait for it that long. But we stayed good friends for the whole time. We were still lovers he still drank coffee with me and we went on walks. Late-night talks. Sunrises. Goodnight kisses. But it was different. There was a crack between us and it was widening every day. I worked more and finished more articles in my free time.

One afternoon Rachel was helping me with fixing up the kids’ room. They had made a chaos. Rachel turned to me and said: “Have you ever missed them? Your family at home, life in Germany. The people. Your siblings? It seems to me you have been keeping feelings to yourself and trying to deal with it on your own. Why is that?” I was surprised by that question; how did she think of this now? “In the beginning, yes, a lot of the time. Some days it was harder than others. The feeling of leaving them behind seven years ago, it almost broke my heart. Family traditions like Hanukkah or New Year’s Eve would make me sad in the beginning. It was a completely new world, Americans and their traditions, their culture. Their eating habits. But now, it feels like I’ve got two homes. And my home in Germany seems distant. Like a slowly fading memory. It feels like I’m losing a part of me. And that scares me. But since my sister has been sick, I am constantly reminded that a part of my soul still belongs there. Always will. On the other hand, I would not want to leave here, I feel home. It’s where my heart feels home. And if I had to leave you I would miss you like my own family. You’ve won a big place in my heart, you all have. Don’t worry about me dealing with things on my own, I’ve learned that a long time ago. And I am capable of doing so without having to depend on others. But thank you for your concerns. I really appreciate it. Why did you want to know that now?” She smiled: “It just crossed my mind. And I want you to know that you have become a big part of our lives, too, and that there would be something missing without you. You don’t always have to deal with your worries and sorrows alone you know? It’s not a sign of weakness if you let yourself get helped. If you can’t solve a problem alone or if you’re not keeping your feelings to yourself. It only means you’re human. I want you to know that.” I didn’t quite know what to say but it made my eyes fill with tears. I didn’t remember when the last time had been when words like that had touched me so deeply. I forced a bitter smile and said: “Thank you, Rachel. I know that now and I will keep it close.”

The next two years that followed were hard. One of my sisters back home tried to emigrate, too, but she got sick on the ship and was sent back. William and I had to provide for her treatment. And try to get her out of isolation on Ellis Island. We didn’t succeed. People were rather tense around the beginning of the new century. They were scared, not knowing what the future might bring. Trying to make predictions about the things that would happen. And I, as a part-time journalist was privileged to tell the world. Or at least all of Baywood. There was a lot of fear, industry made a big step forward, people were afraid that they’d lose their jobs. Machines became more important than workers. Working hours never stopped for construction workers. Jason had been called back to his old Job. Almost no breaks, hard work. But we never stopped seeing each other. And I still loved him. But we couldn’t make it work, no matter how hard we tried.
April 16th, 1900

“Dear Henriette,
I am sorry to give you the bad news this way. The cancer has returned. Worse than before. They say it’s everywhere. And now, the chances that I will survive another two years are next to nothing. There is something I am begging you to do. I want you to take care of my boys. When I’m gone they’ll need someone to care for them, someone they can trust. And someone who can help them through the pain. At least the two older ones Henry and Paul. George will be too young to really remember me. But I am begging you to take care of them as if they were yours. I know you can do this. And I trust you most of all. I am so sorry. I tried. But I just can’t win this fight. Not this time. My strength is leaving me daily. I can barely hold the feather I am writing this with. The doctors say they’re trying everything they can. They’re telling me to be strong, strong for my children. For my husband. Otto is trying his best to act strong in front of me, but I know he is having a very hard time dealing with it. I don’t know what to do. And I am scared that I might never see you again. If that happens to be the case, please know I love you. I love you so much my dearest sister. Please be there for my kids. I cannot leave them behind in peace. Cannot die in peace if I don’t know them to be safe. I am so sorry to have to tell you. But you’re the only one I trust most with them. Please don’t stop hoping. Don’t stop loving. I don’t want you to do that. I really hope to see you again.
Love, Frederica.”

It was like a kick to the stomach. A scenario of her lying there in a hospital bed, dying. I was drenched in pain. It was a sunny day. No clouds, less windy than usual. It was almost quiet even. I looked out the window to the beach and I knew I’d have to go. Have to leave Rachel and David, have to leave the kids. Amy was now 14 and Nancy would be 18 in a month. Nancy had grown to be an adult. Working and getting paid. Amy would be ready to pick a job and start an apprenticeship somewhere soon. And Nancy would fall in love and probably get married in five years. And I wouldn’t get to see it. In my thoughts I was with my dying sister. But also, with my family here. With Jason, who I would have to leave behind. And it broke my heart to admit it, but I’d have to make sacrifices for my sister and her children. I had a promise to keep and I would have to leave him. Leave my life, again.

February 15th, 1901

When the time had come, I packed my suitcases and my belongings. Looking back at those ten years I had spent here, I felt a deep sadness. Because these ten years had been the best in my life. Leaving a part of me behind. Saying goodbye to Rachel, David, Nancy and Amy. “Farewell Henriette. You’ll always be a big part of our lives and have a place in our hearts. Thank you for those years you spent with us, we will never forget you. Now go, live your life and remember you’ll always have a place to come home to, should you go to America again. We’ll miss you.” Rachel smiled at me. “I have to thank you for letting me stay, for taking care of me when I was sick, for letting me be a part of your family. I will never forget you. You shaped me in a way that I now know to appreciate. Goodbye.” Then I went to Ellis Island. Before I left I saw Jason. “You’re leaving, is it true?”, he sighed “You were the love of my life. Please don’t forget me. But move on, too. I am sure you will find someone and love again. I wish you that, and the strength to care for your sister. I will never forget you, Henriette Meier. You changed my life. We can still write letters. Farewell, my love.” his eyes were glassy. I smiled “Don’t worry. I could never forget you. You showed me what love feels like. And that is one of the things I am so thankful for. I am sorry to have to leave you but there is no other way. And of course, I will write you when I get there. I hope you find someone, too. Someone who won’t break your heart. Goodbye Jason. Farewell.” And so, we went our separate ways. I went on the ship and I didn’t turn back. Not once. And when I looked at the ocean I knew that a very different part of my journey was yet to come. And I felt ready because I knew that sometimes you had to sacrifice yourself in order to find peace in life.

So, I really wanted to end this in a meaningful, life-lesson way. And yeah, that’s it with Henriette and Jason. Or is it? Guess you’ll have to wait till next week to find out.

Goodnight, Morning or whatever time it is, wherever you’re reading this from.
Love,
Gioia

Tides of Life – Weekly series part 4 (Chapter 5.2)

Dear Readers,

Part 2 of this immensely long Chapter as well as a blog post. To understand this chapter you have to read the beginning of it, which you’ll find here. Without further ado, let’s get this started:

Those next few months were lonesome, I grieved but I lived on. Just as she had told me to do. Some days it was harder than others. I worked really hard every day. It was harder to get Amy to do her homework than it was with Nancy, every day there were fights on why she didn’t want to do it. Or why she simply wasn’t going to do it. She’d rather go out and play with her friends. Which was understandable, considering the wonderful weather. Nancy was easier. She lived in her own world, books were her saviour. Her escape from the fast life that was going on around her. Next year, Jason and I would graduate from the journalism course. Life didn’t slow down, and Jason supported me on every step of the way. He was there for me when I couldn’t get myself out of bed in the morning, he laughed with me about life’s bizarreness’ and we went on long walks on the beach. That summer Rachel and David invited him to spend the holidays with us in their cabin on Fire Island. He was amazing with the kids. And we all went swimming together.

One late afternoon in July Jason turned to me and said: “Let’s go on a walk. Do you see those cliffs? Let’s walk there.” He was pointing at the cliffs two miles away. It looked beautiful in the sunlight. “Yes, I do. That’s a good idea, it looks really beautiful. Let’s go!” I answered. We started walking. It seemed like a never-ending path. Silence. He seemed very quiet and nervous. Why would he be nervous? He surely wouldn’t ask me to marry him, or would he? No, it couldn’t be. I wasn’t ready. We had been together for two and a half years now. It was possible. Now I was getting nervous. I didn’t know if I wanted to marry him. I loved him, with all my heart. That was for sure. But I didn’t know if I’d be able to take that step. Leave the people I now lovingly called second family. It seemed like I had only just started to really feel at home. I looked at the ocean, waves crashing into the cliffs. Breaking. New waves. The same process all over again. Never stopping. Rough landscapes. I could see the cabin from afar. Hiking the rocks uphill. Looking at those masses of water. No answers. I looked at Jason. We sat down. Jason spoke first: “It’s beautiful up here, isn’t it? Nature truly is a wonder.” He paused, looked down at the beach and continued. “There’s something I need to tell you. There’s a reason we walked up here.” And now I was scared. “It truly is beautiful. And I figured that you didn’t walk up here with me for no reason. So, what is it?” I tried to sound relaxed. “I don’t know how to start this. I’ve been trying to say this for months. First off, I love you. And what I am about to say, might scare you, but I want an honest answer.” Now it was clear to me what he was about to say. And I was scared. “I love you too. And I promise to try and answer as honest as possible.” Hoping that it would help him say the words. “I know we’ve only been together for two and a half years but with you, it feels like I’ve known you my whole life. And that is not something I feel with every person. You give me the feeling that there is something more important in life than my job. What I’m about to ask you is”, he knelt before me and took out a ring, “Will you spend the rest of your life with me and be my wife in good times and in bad?”

There it was. The question of all questions. And he asked it out in nature on a cliff. Even though I had known that he was going to ask it, I was overwhelmed. And still, I didn’t know what to say. But a part of me knew the answer already. “Jason, I love you. I truly, deeply do. I just don’t know if I’m ready yet. Please give me time, time to let my heart heal and see if I’m ready for it. Please don’t make it a ‘now or never’ decision. I am so sorry that I can’t give you ‘Yes’ for an answer yet. But I’m not giving you a ‘No’ either. I’m just saying give me time. That’s all I’m asking for. A little time.” And I looked into his eyes. There was disappointment. Pain. I had hurt him. Not on purpose and I had given him exactly what he wanted. But still, I had hurt him with it. “Henriette, what can I say. I don’t know what to answer to this. I understand that you need time. Yet, your answer gives me nothing but uncertainty. I understand that you’ve had a very hard time with Jane’s death but think of what Jane would’ve wanted you to do. I won’t push you, but I will set you a limit. A deadline, if you want. I’ll give you five days. Meet me at the café where we had our first date in five days and we will figure it out then. Okay?” That was only fair, and, in that moment, I felt he was the right one. I suddenly knew it. He would’ve given me time, but I realized I didn’t need it. And in my mind, I saw Jane, smiling and nodding at me. I remembered what she had said in her letter. It was what she would’ve wanted. And it was what I wanted.

I started running. Jason had already started to walk back. I screamed. “Jason! Wait right there, will you?! Please.” He turned around, waiting, I ran towards him and almost tackled him down. “What is it with you Germans and tackling, has no one taught you manners?” He chuckled. “Sorry for tackling you.
It was the only way you’d stay. Will you just listen and say nothing till I’m finished?” His face took a serious expression. “I can try. No promises here”, he said. “I know that I possibly broke your heart when I said I needed time. But there’s something I need to say. This is not easy for me. When Jane died, she left me a letter. And in that letter, she said that she wanted me to live on, even if I grieved her. It seemed like an impossible thing to do at the time. But here I am talking to you. About to do exactly this. I’m sorry that I almost broke your heart and now try to fix it. But I don’t need five days. I’ve made my decision. And it is that ‘Yes’ I want to be your wife for as long as I live. I love you, Jason. And nothing can or will stop me from doing so. If you still want me to.” Jason was, expectedly, speechless. And he had no idea how to deal with that rapid change of mind. “I… I’m not sure what to say right now. And I am not completely certain you’re telling me the truth. To be honest with you, of course I still want you to be my wife and spend the rest of my life with you! But how will I know? How can I know that you love me and want to be with me if you told me five minutes ago that you weren’t sure?” This was understandable. “I know this is all very confusing and not fair to you. But the only thing I can do is tell you, and trust that you love me regardless of my mistakes.” He kissed me, looked at me for a long time and said: “I wouldn’t be able to stop loving you that fast anyway. And there’s still time. We don’t have to marry tomorrow. There’s still many months’ time. But let’s go tell them!” He seemed euphoric. I was still shocked. “Yes. Let’s go tell them.” And so, we went. That night we all stayed up long. Letting the day’s happenings sink in. We could see the stars. And when I looked up, I felt happiness fill up my body and I listened to the steady heartbeat of the man that I would spend the rest of my life with. Everything would turn out to be good. At least that’s what I had thought.

Now I wish you all a wonderful week and an amazing day. Maybe I’ll write another post until next week,
Sincerely yours

Gioia

Tides of Life – Weekly series part 4 (Chapter 5.1)

Dear Readers,

Concentration is lacking and it’s been harder but I’ll still post this. However, I hope you’ll enjoy the next chapter. Because of the length, I cut it in two blog posts. So let’s get started:

November 20^th,1894

The leaves falling.  6:30 AM on a Monday morning. Something felt weird. I felt dizzy and as I stood up the room seemed shallow. Going down to the kitchen, I walked into Rachel. “Good morning, Henriette. Is everything okay? You look like you’re not doing so well.” She had noticed. “I am feeling fine, a little dizzy may-…” I didn’t get to finish the sentence. I felt my legs give up under my body weight. A loud buzzing filled my ears. My vision started to fade. Unconsciousness.

When I opened my eyes, I was in my bed. Or was it my bed? I didn’t quite know anything. “You passed out again. Do you remember anything?” Doctor Julian said kindly. “I remember feeling weird and dizzy this morning. Everything seemed far away and then walking downstairs, that’s where I’m lost.” I was wondering what was wrong. “Have you had this rash for a long time? What were the symptoms?” It felt as if this conversation had already happened three years ago. And it had, back then I had been typhoid. Now it was something else. But the symptoms were almost identical. Except that now I could move and felt a little less vulnerable, I could think straight. “I didn’t notice the rash at all. I was very concentrated on work. And I can only remember feeling weird this morning. Like something was wrong. But ignoring it obviously didn’t help”, I croaked. It turned out to be Erysipelas.
But luckily it was not fatal. I would survive. And that was clear from the beginning. Yet I still felt feverish. And the rash looked awful. Again, Rachel and David took care of me as if I was their daughter. They made sure I would get well again. Jason visited me at home, he would bring me flowers and stories from the course. He’d tell me everything about what was going on out there. Never did he mention that the way I had treated him was wrong. I didn’t realize, he was distant. Rachel and David did the best they could and a month later I was well enough to cook dinner for Hanukkah with steaks, carrots, potatoes and bread. It was a feast. My fourth Hanukkah with them. It felt like home even though it was still new to me. And it was one of the best Hanukkahs I’d had. We went to mass, they were religious people, and the choir sang traditional Jewish songs. I had never gone to mass with my family back home. They believed in God but didn’t go to church very often. But Rachel and her husband took their kids every year. It was tradition to them, to me it was something else.

For Hanukkah Amy and Nancy got presents, even though this was not traditional. One each. Amy got a little horse carved out of wood and Nancy got a book about Robinson Crusoe. It felt unreal how fast they had grown. I still remembered Amy hiding behind her fathers’ legs and Nancy telling me to better be good. Now they weren’t shy but brave and adventurous.
Another year, gone to an end. New Year’s Eve. 1895 here we come. There were fireworks, people celebrating. The day after I went on a walk with Jane and a couple of her friends. Looking at the ocean. Walking on the beach. The wind was making our hair fly. Suddenly, Jane turned around to me and said: “It’s weird how time passes us by, isn’t it? It seems to me like yesterday when you walked into the library and asked for a book about romance and adventure and I gave you Jane Eyre. And that’s how you learned my name.” She looked sad. “Yes, it is. It’s going by so fast. I don’t even remember what it was like without you. Is everything okay, you seem like something is bothering you.” I always noticed when something was wrong. “Me? I’m fine. It’s just…I have to leave. And I don’t really want to, but my mother isn’t doing so well. I have to move back to Texas and take care of her. She’s very ill. And it doesn’t seem like I’ll be coming back anytime soon. It looks like she’s dying, and I have to tend her. I’m leaving tomorrow.” That gave me a little shock. I looked at her, thinking about whether or not I should say something. “I am so sorry, I had no idea. How long has she been ill?” were the only words I could utter “I didn’t even know about it exactly till yesterday. She’s been ill for two months now, but they only found out about her condition a few days ago. I really have to leave, I’m sorry. I hope you understand.” Tears filled her eyes. “Of course, I understand! You can’t just leave her there. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish you the strength to support her and also support yourself. You won’t have to go through it alone. I’ll send you letters. And you can tell me how you feel all the time. I won’t let you be alone in this.” And I meant every word. “Thank you. Really. I wouldn’t be able to survive this without you. And I will send you letters and you can tell me everything too. I just want to wish you a good time with the kids and also with Jason. He seems like a really good person. Don’t let him walk away. I’m going to miss you, Henriette. Goodbye.” She smiled. A sad smile. “I promise not to let him go. And I will enjoy every minute with him and the kids. I’m going to miss you too. We’ll see each other again. Goodbye Jane.” We hugged, long and hard. Had I known then that Jane was such a good liar, and had I known that those were our last words spoken, I would’ve said so many things. But I didn’t. So, we went our ways, her knowing that we’d never see each other again and I thinking it was a goodbye as any other goodbye.

The letter came four months later, from Texas. It was her handwriting. I opened it and read the words carefully and slowly. She had written:

“Dearest Friend,

When you read this, I’ll be somewhere else. When you read this, I’ll be somewhere in heaven, or wherever the hell t is we go when we die. I’m sorry you had to find out that way, but when we said Goodbye on January 1^st, I didn’t want you to look at it as ‘The Goodbye’, I wanted you to spend a great time and be happy, live your life. I didn’t want it to be overshadowed by the fact that I was going to die very soon. I wanted you to have faith and hope. And, no. There was no way you could’ve done something. My mother was not sick, I was. Tuberculosis. The doctors told me a day before we last saw each other. And back in Texas I hoped to find remedy. But they’ve told me that there’s no way they can heal it. So I am writing this letter to explain it to you. Remember how brave Jane Eyre was when she went to live with that family? I want you to be just as brave as she was. And please don’t grieve me for too long, grieve me and remember me, but live on. You deserve to live now and not dwell on the past. My time has come, and I had a good, maybe short, but very good life. I want you to value your time, just as I did mine. Maybe I’m watching over you now, maybe I’m in a long thick sleep, I guess I’ll know when you read this. Now, please remember me but don’t let it take your life away. Maybe we’ll see each other again, one day wherever I am now. And you’ll tell me all the wonderful things that happened in your life. And we’ll laugh about the bizarre, unimportant things. Just because it’s funny. I hope you cherish your life and meet many great people, friends that will laugh and cry with you. I hope you never stop believing, never stop growing. Farewell.

With love,

Jane”

 I read it again. At first, I couldn’t believe it. How could she just leave and never return? I read it again. But that didn’t change anything. It didn’t change the fact that she was dead. It felt so unreal. She had known. She hadn’t told me. And now she was gone. And then I could see it. Right in front of my eyes. The pain started to kick in. My legs were shaking, I had to sit down. Tears started streaming down my face. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to stop it. Rachel came inside from the garden. “What’s wrong, what happened?” I showed her the letter. She had known that Jane had been my best friend. Still was. Rachel hugged me and held me in her arms. She was like a mother. And she kept saying soothing words, like ‘it’s okay, shush’ and she just held me. And I kept crying into her clothes. The stream of tears didn’t seem to lessen.
I didn’t know how long we had spent this way. But when I got out of her hug, the tears didn’t come. They had stopped. I went to the kitchen. It was around dinner time. Doing something else would distract me from the pain. Otherwise, it would’ve been unbearable. It wasn’t bearable, it wouldn’t be for a long time. I knew that. But I still got out the frying pan and started chopping vegetables and added milk and eggs.  I made omelettes, the food that always made me feel better. Dinner that night was quiet. Amy and Nancy seemed to notice something had happened. But I tried my best to hide it from them. They shouldn’t be sad, only because I was grieving. When I got them to bed and tucked them in, I read them a bedtime story. They always loved these. And they almost always fell asleep to it. After ten minutes Amy was sleeping soundly but Nancy couldn’t seem to fall asleep.
“Can’t you sleep, Nancy?” I whispered. “I don’t know why but I’ve got the feeling that something is wrong. Has something happened?” she was extremely empathic. “It’s nothing that would have to concern you, you can go to sleep without any worries. And I will fight off the bad dreams with my bare hands.” I knew she had been having nightmares lately. He’d never really talk about them, but he’d mention a thing or two. “Thank you. And will you save me from the bad people?” he sounded very serious. “I will, my queen. I will fight them and let no harm come near you for as long as I live.” That seemed to convince her, and she yawned. A few minutes later she was asleep. I closed the door behind them and went to my room. That night I couldn’t bring myself to sleep and wished to be a kid like Nancy again. To be in a time when the biggest fears were nightmares and the deepest pain physical. Because those things could be fixed. You could heal from a scratch on your knee, you could overcome your fear easily in trusting someone else to keep you safe. Being an adult meant taking responsibility for your own actions. It meant dealing with problems and pain alone. At least that’s what I felt it to be. I felt very lonely and lost that night. Had someone told me I didn’t have to go through it alone and had someone told me that life wasn’t over when someone dear died, I would’ve had more strength to move forward than I did then. But it was a lesson I had to learn. And in an indescribable, sick way it shaped me. Made me who I am today.

So I hope you enjoyed the first part of chapter 5 and are as shocked as I was when I wrote it.

Goodnight, morning, afternoon or whatever time it is at yours right now.

Sincerely yours,

Gioia

Quotes to live by

Dear Readers,

Today I came across a quote on the Internet that really stuck with me. It was something I found to be quite inspiring and helpful regarding trusting myself. As you probably know by now I’ve been struck by wanderlust and am planning a backpacking trip next summer. But it seems to me the only ones who support the thought of me going alone are a friend who did it himself and I. Not the best circumstances for a solo travel. Everyone seems to be worried about something happening to me. Yes, most of the people who know me, if not all, think I trust people way too fast. So they’re worried I’d let my guard down way too fast because of the sometimes fake kindness of strangers. They’re scared that I’ll be taken advantage of. And even people who’ve just met me tell me to take care of myself. So yeah, I might trust strangers way too fast and I might not be focused 100%  all the time but I wanna challenge myself. I wanna get out there. Have the adventure of a lifetime. It’s been really confusing for me because there’s this part of me who gets that they’re worried and even sees why. But there’s another part who wants to say “fuck it and do it anyway.” I’m not sure which part is bigger. Well, I’ve almost let myself be convinced to first go with a travel agency called STA Travel. But after that, I’ll do what I want and be on my own for a bit. Maybe one to two weeks for the beginning. And maybe I’ll like it or maybe I won’t. I wish I could just go for it now. Leave and not be scared of what the future holds.

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for – and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool – for love – for your dreams – for the adventure of being alive.” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

This quote inspired me because I wanna live like that. I wanna live like there’s nothing to be afraid of. I wanna face my fears and be brave. And most of all: I wanna love. Deeply, passionately and truly. “Because what an awfully big adventure it would be to just live.” (J.M.Barry) Another quote that has inspired me, is one from an amazing book I’m reading right now. It’s called “On The Road” by Jack Kerouac. Now, 50 years after the edited version was published, Penguin Classics published the actual unedited version. And guess what it’s about (drum roll!!!): A Road Trip in America.  The book itself inspires me and helps me find ideas for my own journey, and be a little less scared of the unknown. Because I wanna feel free. Which I am right now but I wanna feel completely free. Doing what I love while screaming at the top of my lungs.

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” by Jack Kerouac – On The Road

That’s encouraging for me to be who I am. And to accept me. Which I do most of the time anyway. But when I’m in doubt and it gets hard to take it helps to read something like this. Keeping it as a reminder. I don’t know what I’d be without words. I’d have a lot less depth, at least if there were no words at all and thoughts couldn’t be described. Probably. But luckily there are words and I can express myself with them. Most of the time. Sometimes it’s a little hard to focus on what I’m saying. Because I tend to jump from one subject to another in a matter of seconds. But that’s okay. You can just ask if something’s not clear and I’ll tell you as well as possible where I made the transition. So there’s nothing to worry about. Not one thing. I thought that I’d get that straight for the people who read my blog for the first time. I guess that’s about it for today.

Goodnight, Good Morning or whatever time it is, wherever you’re reading this from.

Sincerely yours,

Gioia

3rd Blogversary!!!

Dear Readers,
I was just posting a weekly series and then I noticed that a notification popped up. So I thought wow fast response to my new post. But it was WordPress telling me that three years ago today I first logged in here. Time flies by so fast. Since it’s some sort of a birthday I wanna reflect on those past years. And when I think back to three years ago, I realise I was a totally different person. A girl reading a 300-pages long book in 2 days, just having started high school. And now I’m almost done and I’ve changed. I’m a lot more confident and spontaneous than I was back then. I’ve developed a wanderlust that keeps me moving and now more than ever I want to fulfil my dreams and goals. I’ve learned that deception and heartbreak can lead to good things eventually if only one gets over it. I was so scared to get hurt that it took me some time to open up to certain people. But I learned that it’s not the worst thing if you get hurt sometimes. It’s part of life. And I’m not so scared anymore. Because I realised that it’s worse not to do something and thinking what might’ve been than doing it and getting hurt in the process. Which has become my new life motto. Next to that, I’ve discovered that I love philosophy and psychology and that I wanna study it at university. It’s quite hard to concentrate right now because it’s getting late. But I really want this to be meaningful. Some things haven’t changed though, which you realise by reading this post. I can still jump from subject to subject in a matter of seconds. What I really wanted to say is: Thank you all for having been there and supporting me these past three years. I really appreciate it and I am glad that I have met people who understand what’s going on in my head. People who appreciate my sometimes philosophical thoughts on certain books or life situations. And some people who I can call friends I’ve made along the way. Thank you for always listening to my thoughts and rambles Aspen. And thank you, Chaz, for introducing me to amazing books and always listening too. And Paul for always reading my posts. Of course thanks to everyone else as well. Sometimes writing can be more helpful than anything else. Especially to people, you don’t really know, because they can’t judge you. And that’s worth a lot. We could do a Q & A again if you’re interested, just tell me in the comments.

Goodnight, morning or whatever time it is wherever you’re reading this from,

Sincerely yours,

Gioia

Tides of Life – Weekly series 2 (Chapter 3)

Dear Readers,
Number 2 of my weekly series, here we go! I hope you’ve all been having a great week and that you enjoy every single day. Let’s get started:

June 4th1891

I had been on the ship for two weeks now. I knew that because there was a clock. And I always knew when a day was over and another one started. I was on a cargo steamship in the steerage. 3rd class passenger. Not allowed to be on the deck for more than an hour a day. In a cabin with three other people. One toilet for fifty people. The desperation was terrible. Not knowing how much longer we’d be on this ship. It was a prison. People stashed together like cargo. Talking objects.
Peter and I had been separated. Unmarried men and women were kept in different dormitories. Which was why we couldn’t see each other. Only families could stay together. But luckily my cabin members were kind people. There were Eva from Germany, Susan and Hanna from Ireland. Susan and Hanna had already been to America and they were returning to their hometowns. Originally, they had left because of the aftermath of the Great Famine. Whereas Eva and I went there for the first time. We were inexperienced and more vulnerable than they were. Not knowing what was expecting us. America would change our lives.
There was a tension on the Steerage floor. Especially on Wednesday of the first week. The first few days had been quiet. But there it was. The wind got stronger, we picked up speed. Which, at first, was a good thing. It meant that we would arrive in New York at least a day early. But the wind kept getting stronger. Whistling sounds, the power of nature to destroy everything in its path. A storm had been bottling up. And the silence, the almost peaceful quietness that we had felt on our first few days, was gone. The wind was playing with our ship. One side and then to the other. Waves about forty feet tall, there was a smell of anxiety and tension in the air that day. Would our ship sink? The excitement that had been on most of the people’s faces was now gone. Fear got the better of them.

Being on that ship, in the middle of this storm, scared me. But it also made me think about past choices I had made. And there were a few things I regretted in my short life. Not always appreciating my family and what they did for me. Not standing up for myself when “Miss Rich Lady” was blaming me for something I hadn’t done. But I couldn’t look back now. What would’ve been the use in it?
Belongings of people tumbling and rolling around on the floor. Objects that were of personal value for them. Mementoes of a past time. People reflecting on their lives.
I didn’t know how much longer we would last on this ship. And then I saw the workers throwing out boxes of apples. Unloading. Workers moaning under the heavy load of that job. I wondered why, they said they’d have to free the ship from weight, otherwise the ship would lose its balance.
The next morning the storm had gone by and the sea was still. No movement. And then the awakening of most of the other passengers. It was noon, so the sun stood high already. The vastness of the ocean was two things: Terrifying and Beautiful. Terrifying because there was no end, no consistency. Just the ocean and our ship. But beautiful because at the same time it made me hopeful that there was a better future at the end of the voyage. As I was standing there at the bulls’ eye staring, I felt that I had a perspective. A future. A life. And I was so thankful for that.

The next few days were rather unpleasant. I ate bad food. The result of that were constantly needing the toilet, which was rather hard these days, and being in our cabin all day. But Hanna was tending me, she knew how bad it could get if you had eaten something bad. The food on the ship could give you the chills and fevers. Which I got after initially throwing up. It was a terrible few days. As a result of the delusions of my fever, I could see my family waving at me. Wanting to hug me and shake hands. But no matter how hard I tried to grasp them, they were just too far away. And I thought to myself, what would’ve been if I hadn’t gone on that ship. I’d be with my brothers and sisters, as well as my parents. But I had left them behind. I was alone and helpless. I couldn’t trust anyone. But then I felt a cool hand on my hot forehead. Hanna was here. Through my clouded mind, I could see her smile. But I wasn’t quite sure, due to my hallucinations. She was taking care of me. Giving me water, carefully though and not too much. This went on for 4 days. It was hell. Some days I knew where I was, some days I didn’t. The fear, the helplessness and that feeling of being left alone. A silent hell without hope.
But on the 5th day, I was finally feeling better. I could even keep some of the bread down. And I hadn’t been left alone. I’d made friends. The sun was setting when I felt strong enough to stand on my feet again.
I hadn’t been the only one with that sickness. The smell of vomit was a constant one on the steerage floor. Everyone had to rely on their cabin mates. Because we weren’t looked after by the crew, we were treated like cargo. We weren’t too expensive, and we hadn’t paid as much as the others. They treated us with less respect and looked at us to be less worth than the others.

I stared out of the bulls’ eye. Still nothing but the ocean. Waves rising and falling steadily. In a heartbeat. It felt like this journey would never end. I was starting to lose track of time. The only thing I knew was whether it was day or night. I wasn’t alone, yet I felt lonely. No one could understand my feelings, my thoughts or fears. Or so it seemed. On that ship, I had a lot of time to think. To reflect on those things in my head. To keep having faith. Believing that we’d make it. Believing in a better future, a better life. Finally, being free to make my own decisions. To take responsibility for my actions. Taking chances. Some days it was easy, some days it wasn’t. Days that felt like centuries and days that felt like hours. Sometimes it was easy to laugh, for example when Hanna, Susan or Eva made a joke about something they had just heard on board. But there weren’t many of those. Most days were filled with worried glances and sighs. Each person facing their own troubles and thoughts.

I looked at the clear night sky and I thought about how small I was. Compared to that infinity I was about the size of an ant. It made my troubles and fears just as small and less important. Looking at this beautiful view of millions of stars, I felt calm. I realized I wasn’t completely alone. That those stars were the same stars the people I was missing were looking at. It made me feel close to them. Not as if I was miles away from the people I loved. But as if I was right there with them. Those were some of the best nights on the ship. It was when I could really let go. When my head could go wherever it wanted to.

After two and a half weeks of being on the ocean, the captain finally announced we’d arrive in a time range of the next two days. Of course, everyone was very excited. In our cabin, Hanna and Susan were glad to go back to their hometowns. Whereas Eva and I would start a new life. New people and new Jobs. New routines. Jumping right into it. It was a big step. No going back. Just forward. And somehow it made me happy. It meant freedom. That was all I wanted right now.

The next day I heard screaming. But it wasn’t screams of sadness, it was joy. So, I left the cabin to see what was going on. I fought my way to a bulls’ eye to see what they saw. We had arrived in New York. I could see the statue of liberty from afar. It represented hope, future, perspective and so much more.
We had made it. After all. We were there. Just a few kilometres separated us from NEW YORK. We had survived. As I was staring, I felt like I had just climbed a mountain to its very top. The future was there, right in front of me. I could almost grab it. I was there. All those worries, the tension, the fear: gone. Finally, after those two and a half weeks that had felt like an eternity.

The 1st and 2nd class could disembark right there. No further examinations, no questions, nothing. But the steerage floor had to go through full body examinations, which were sometimes embarrassing and painful. After that stressful questioning followed, “What is the reason of your stay? Are you able to finance your life? Do you have any mental illnesses? Do you have a criminal record, if so what are your crimes? Are you an anarchist?” Not much time to answer them. If one answer was peculiar, further investigation started. And then, if we were lucky, we could go straight to the counter with our passports. A young man was standing there with two stamps. One said “Approved” the other one said “Denied”. I went to the counter, gave him my admission papers and passport. He smiled, stamped them and said: “Welcome to the United States of America”.

Walking out of the building with my papers and my suitcases, I realized that I was now an American. Not looking back. I was over the line. Done. Taking deep breaths, I could still smell the ocean. But I also smelt freedom and choices. Nothing could stop me now. No one. A new beginning. That’s what it was. It felt good. I looked at the pavement. Then at the trees of Castle Gardens. Those first steps were big. A little scary. But that was okay. It was good even. It meant the change into a new society, a new life. And change was always hard in the beginning.
Strangers. People everywhere. And the buildings, they were huge. And I felt so small in that society I barely knew. Standing there, completely amazed by everything, I bumped into someone. I mumbled some “Sorry” and quickly started moving again.
Suddenly I remembered what I had been searching for. My brother. Standing there. As amazed and in awe I had been, I had completely forgotten that my brother would pick me up. So, I started looking around. Trying to find him and possibly his wife. I had always liked her. And my nephews, they’d be there too. But it’s really hard to find a person in about a million other people.
Eventually, I found them. It was really nice to speak to someone who I knew. To family.

Sitting in the car, on the way to my brothers’ new house in Rosendale. I took everything in. The buildings, the streets, the spirit. Everything. And it was overwhelming. To see so many things. To think that this was my life and not a dream.
We arrived at the house. It was beautiful. A garden. “How are you feeling, dear? You must be hungry. And tired. How was the journey? Were there nice people? Has the food changed? Did you have a hard time finding us?” Questions which I could answer shortly but not very detailed. “I’m good. I definitely could use some food. And yeah, I am tired. Yes, it was mostly good, except one time. We were in a terrible storm and we had to throw overboard some of the apples to be able to continue because the ship was too heavy. But other than that, it was fairly well. It hasn’t really changed. It was a little hard finding you with all of the people.” We ate, caught up on each other. My brother wanted to know a lot about our parents and our siblings, of course. “How are mother and father? It’s so hard to read it in their letters, it’s always a guessing. I never know whether they’re doing well or if they need anything. It’s hard not seeing them sometimes, you know? But on the other hand, I don’t regret coming here. Not one bit,” he said. “They’re doing okay considering the circumstances. I can imagine. They have a lot of mouths to feed and with you and I being off to America makes it a little easier. But they do not need more than the money you and now apparently, I, are sending them over. I get that it’s hard, I already miss them too. I just hope I can ever feel at home here.” I meant it, as I was saying it. “You will. At first it will be hard. But with time, you’ll feel as much home here, as you did there. And you’ll meet new people. Friends. Pick them wisely. You never know when you need them.” That gave me some hope. I didn’t quite understand why but I didn’t feel as lonely.

After dinner, I suddenly felt tired, an unbearable tiredness. The stress and everything just disappeared into thin air. And my energy with it. Gone. I changed into my nightdress and fell into a deep, recovering sleep.

A few days after, I was ready to leave for my new home. The family that I would be working for. Who knew how long? I hadn’t unpacked. It was windy in New York, that day. And maybe it was just a feeling, but maybe it was the wind that made me feel ready. It made me feel as if I was entering a new story. And I could only find out where it was heading if I thrust myself into this. Fully. Completely. So, I did. I didn’t know what they would be like. I had no idea if I’d ever feel at home where I was going. In a nutshell, I just had to have faith.
The carriage pulling out the driveway. Leaving again. Cars and buildings moving past me. Landscapes. The Hudson River. Out of the city. Manhattan. Queens. Hempstead. All the way to Baywood. Everything was new. But now, compared to the voyage I had taken, I had someone. I wasn’t alone anymore.

This is chapter 3, I hope you enjoyed it and if you’ve read till here congrats for making it.

Good morning, night or whatever time it is wherever you’re reading this from.

LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE and ENJOY

Sincerely yours,

Gioia 🙂

Still here

Dear Readers,
I haven’t been on this blog in almost three months. Dear Readers,
Quite unbelievable that I’m still here, huh? I haven’t been on this blog in more than three months. But the reason for that is that there was and still is a lot going on in my life right now. There might be some things to explain for you to understand. First off, I had to finish my Novella and hand in the Matura paper, which is a thing you do in your last year of high school in my country. It was a lot of stress and I had to get it done for the deadline. I have finished it and held a presentation about it, which is really relieving. But that doesn’t mean stress and exams are over. And I’ve just had to focus so much on doing well at school that I didn’t have the time to really write or read. Which, frankly, sucked. And yeah, I’m gonna have more time in the future. And yeah, this might turn into a travel blog one day (hopefully summer 2019). But right now it’s just not possible to write book reviews with quality. Another thing that is taking time away lately is that my dad is not doing so well and he’s been in the hospital for almost a month now. And even though I don’t have the best relationship with my dad, he’s my dad and it scares the shit out of me seeing him like that. And I’ve visited him a lot lately which means I come home from school rather late. And then I need to study or do homework or something else. And yeah, I know it’s all about the organisation. So I’m gonna try that. It’s just not that easy sometimes. But I’m gonna try. And as soon as I get my grades up I’ll be more active. Actually I think I’m gonna make a weekly series out of my Novella, so each week I’m going to post a chapter for you to read. If you’re interested that is. Tell me in the comments if you’d like such a thing. This is just a reminder that I still exist and that this blog will live on for the years to come. As I like to put it. This is it for today, because it’s getting late and I need to get some sleep.
Goodnight, Good Morning or whatever time it is, wherever you’re reading this from.
Yours truly,
Gioia

The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck – Or how to stop giving too many fucks.

Dear Readers,

I usually don’t read self-help books. I always think that they are too preachy, too positive, too unrealistic. But this was different. Something that gave me exactly what I needed that moment. Before I start this I want to give a big shoutout to Chaz whose blog I stumbled upon by coincidence. I thought to myself, this guy seems interesting so I’ll contact him. He told me about this book he was reading and convinced me.  So I bought this book and here I am writing a review. Thanks for telling me about it, Chaz! This is going to be another sort of review, you may like it, you may not. But I’ll still try it out. Because a special book deserves a special review. So let’s jump right in.

What the hell is this? You need to change? Seems impossible at first, but hell we all do. We live in a society that forces entitlement upon us. We feel entitled to give way too many f*cks about things that don’t matter. But then again, where does this come from?

Star blogger, Mark Manson, explains it with examples from our daily lives. What is going on in our heads? We’re asking ourselves more than not. Starting off with the Feedback Loop from Hell going to the Importance of problems and failure, ending with the Importance of our mortality, which can be a reminder (ironically) why we should live. But now, what is the Feedback Loop from Hell? Every day we see people on TV or Facebook or Instagram or whatever social media you’re using, living their happy, perfect lives. We see them every day and we realize we’re not happy all the time. That’s when the feedback Loop from Hell kicks in. You’re getting upset at the fact that you aren’t as happy as everybody is. But then you’re getting upset about being upset and (help!) you feel lost. We all know it, the feeling of freaking out. But freaking out isn’t helping us. Realizing that those shitty days are part of life, is. It’s really hard because everyone is having an awesome time and you see it, feeling miserable. Manson says: “The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.” Now, what does that mean? It simply means that the less we invest in something the more we’ll achieve. It means the harder we try the less it will actually work. It may not make sense to you right away but think about it. For example, we’re trying to figure out how to be happy. Thinking about it the whole time, giving a fuck. But we’d actually be happier if we’d just live. And then see what happens. Because if we keep on thinking about it, we won’t have time to actually do something. Or let’s say you want to write a book, but you keep on thinking about how you can do it, you will waste your time thinking about something and not actually doing it. We should allow ourselves to suffer and be hurt. Because this is this beautiful part of life called improving.

There’s something especially Millenials have to deal with every day. And that is Entitlement. Now, what is Entitlement? We believe we deserve special treatment because we believe ourselves to be special. We believe ourselves to be better than anybody else, so we deserve special treatment. We feel entitled to deserve things. Growing up in our society today means being entitled. We were raised thinking we could have anything in this world only because we wanted it. But then we came into the real world and realized that we couldn’t. And that’s not what we expected. Not at all. But we’ve gotta deal with that. We’ve gotta realize that we are not special, but we can still live a good life. Because this helps us figure out what to give a f*ck about and what not. It helps us figure out what is really important in our lives. There’s a quote that I was reminded of when I read this book.

” We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.” (Tyler Durden, Fight Club, 1999)

Especially the part about learning that we won’t. Because that’s exactly what Manson says too. Being entitled may make us think we deserve to achieve greatness in everything we do, but it doesn’t make us happy. At least not in a real, meaningful way. In order to achieve happiness, we have to acknowledge our mistakes and problems. Because through acknowledging them we can improve ourselves. We know where to work on ourselves. The other option is staying entitled, but this won’t solve anything. It will only delay dealing with the problems. But they will eventually come back to the surface. Leaving you again with the choice of dealing or ignoring. This brings me to the next point.

Taking Responsibility for your actions

We are responsible for everything that happens to us. That’s what I understand when I hear people say you are responsible for everything that happens to you. And in a way, it makes me angry. Makes me scream, how am I responsible for having problems with my motor skills, how was I responsible for being bullied when I was a kid, how am I responsible for people leaving. But when I read on, I understood that it’s not the action itself but how we deal with it. We are responsible for our own misery after a breakup. Now, that might seem as if I’m a nonfeeling monster. But I’m not, I’m a human being just like you. Being responsible simply means we always have a choice. We might not have the power to control what happens to us, but we are in control of how we deal with it. It’s about choosing your values and metrics by which you judge actions and situations. We are responsible for our emotions. We have got the choice, make others responsible for our problems and never receive validation from them or be responsible ourselves and improving our lives. Which is simple but not easy. There’s a difference in what is simple and what is easy. It’s simple to say that we have to take the choice, actually taking it, however, is not easy. But that doesn’t mean it’s the worst thing to do. Same with when something is easy, it might not be the best thing to do either. This is individual for every situation. And I’m not polarising when I’m saying this. It’s important to me to make this clear.

Failure, Travel and (gasp) your Mortality

Travelling is something that I have been wanting to do for quite some time. My Wanderlust getting bigger every day. And I believe I’ve mentioned it a few times on here. What does this have to do with failure and mortality? The fear of failure is something that paralyzes us. It keeps us from improving ourselves. We’d rather stay in the same safe environment than dare doing something that is new to us and may take away our success, may take away our perspectives and change them. Change is always scary so we tend to settle for the safe version. But is the safety of certainty really better than the unknown that might improve ourselves and give us something even better? I’m not quite sure. Manson says that we should dare to do it. And that we should accept failure, not avoid it. It’s part of life. What does travel have to do with all of this? Well, it’s a lot about self-development. The freedom that is achieved through travelling is not everlasting. We tend to think freedom is only found out there and that it’s about not having to commit to one thing only. But Manson says that there is freedom in commitment itself. If you go from place to place and never commit to anything you might make a lot of experiences but you might miss others. You might see a lot of things if you’re travelling the world all the time, running from commitment. But you’ll never know what it’s like to have something constant. A constant partner, a constant place to call home. Commitment doesn’t have to mean missing out on all those opportunities. It means choosing what opinions to take and which ones to miss out on. Our consumeristic society makes it hard to do so, but we still have the choice. Now, what does your mortality have to do with all of this?

You are going to die

Scary thought, isn’t it? You are going to die, but so am I and so is everyone. That’s nothing new. We already knew that. Now, why is your death important for your life? Two opposites yet close to each other. In a weird way, death gives meaning to our lives. Because without it there is no reason to live for. Nothing would matter. With death, however, we know that our time is limited and there’s meaning. We are scared of being forgotten, which is why we do things that make people remember. Manson refers to a man called Ernest Becker who said that “{…} all the meaning in our life is shaped by this innate desire to never truly die.” He calls this “Immortality project” it means that we don’t want our second selves to die. We want to make them happen, but we don’t always succeed. Those projects are nothing but distractions from our fear of death. Becker realized that those projects don’t help us, they are only a form of distraction, denial. Instead, we should accept our fate. The inevitable fact that we are going to die. Manson explains:” {…} we can then choose our values more freely, unrestrained by the illogical quest for immortality, and freed from dogmatic views.” It can be scary to think about death, especially if you think about what happens after you’re gone. Will you have made an impact, will the world even notice? And that is a question we’ll never know the answer to. That’s scaring the hell out of us. The only thing we know for certain is that we’re gonna die. And that’s what we should build our lives around. Wanting to make an impact, we ask ourselves, how? Manson suggests that we start caring about other things than ourselves. That helps to get away from the entitlement. Because entitlement is isolating us from the world. Society doesn’t really help there. It makes us think we’re only great if we achieve being famous. But that is not true. He says: “You already are great because, in the face of endless confusion and certain death, you continue to choose what to give a fuck about and what not.” That is what makes you successful. You succeed to continue to live. And that’s already pretty damn great. So always remind yourself of that fact. Of that inevitability of your own death. Because if you can accept your mortality, you can deal with entitlement and failure. Maybe even easily. Because at that point, you realize everything comes together. And then you can live without being afraid to die. Even though you know that you are going to die. Awesome, isn’t it?

This book blew my mind. It made me realize a lot of things that I hadn’t before. And it made me rethink my own values. It helped me understand a few things about myself that I had been having trouble with. It helped me to see that I was understood. And I do not regret buying this book. I’m not saying that all of my problems are solved after reading this book, that’s impossible and unrealistic. And there’s a long way I will have to go to figure certain things out. But now I at least know how to deal with my problems in a better way. And it was a really interesting journey of self-discovery. Now I am reminded to doubt myself and my thoughts. It made me question myself. And I am glad I did. This book is really interesting even if you are not looking for a self-help book but want to educate yourself psychologically.

Now thanks again to you, Chaz, for telling me about it. I really enjoyed writing this blog post. I hope you are all doing great.

Goodnight, morning or whatever time it is, wherever you’re reading this from. Live.

Yours Gioia 🙂