Tides of Life – Weekly series part 4 (Chapter 5.2)

Dear Readers,

Part 2 of this immensely long Chapter as well as a blog post. To understand this chapter you have to read the beginning of it, which you’ll find here. Without further ado, let’s get this started:

Those next few months were lonesome, I grieved but I lived on. Just as she had told me to do. Some days it was harder than others. I worked really hard every day. It was harder to get Amy to do her homework than it was with Nancy, every day there were fights on why she didn’t want to do it. Or why she simply wasn’t going to do it. She’d rather go out and play with her friends. Which was understandable, considering the wonderful weather. Nancy was easier. She lived in her own world, books were her saviour. Her escape from the fast life that was going on around her. Next year, Jason and I would graduate from the journalism course. Life didn’t slow down, and Jason supported me on every step of the way. He was there for me when I couldn’t get myself out of bed in the morning, he laughed with me about life’s bizarreness’ and we went on long walks on the beach. That summer Rachel and David invited him to spend the holidays with us in their cabin on Fire Island. He was amazing with the kids. And we all went swimming together.

One late afternoon in July Jason turned to me and said: “Let’s go on a walk. Do you see those cliffs? Let’s walk there.” He was pointing at the cliffs two miles away. It looked beautiful in the sunlight. “Yes, I do. That’s a good idea, it looks really beautiful. Let’s go!” I answered. We started walking. It seemed like a never-ending path. Silence. He seemed very quiet and nervous. Why would he be nervous? He surely wouldn’t ask me to marry him, or would he? No, it couldn’t be. I wasn’t ready. We had been together for two and a half years now. It was possible. Now I was getting nervous. I didn’t know if I wanted to marry him. I loved him, with all my heart. That was for sure. But I didn’t know if I’d be able to take that step. Leave the people I now lovingly called second family. It seemed like I had only just started to really feel at home. I looked at the ocean, waves crashing into the cliffs. Breaking. New waves. The same process all over again. Never stopping. Rough landscapes. I could see the cabin from afar. Hiking the rocks uphill. Looking at those masses of water. No answers. I looked at Jason. We sat down. Jason spoke first: “It’s beautiful up here, isn’t it? Nature truly is a wonder.” He paused, looked down at the beach and continued. “There’s something I need to tell you. There’s a reason we walked up here.” And now I was scared. “It truly is beautiful. And I figured that you didn’t walk up here with me for no reason. So, what is it?” I tried to sound relaxed. “I don’t know how to start this. I’ve been trying to say this for months. First off, I love you. And what I am about to say, might scare you, but I want an honest answer.” Now it was clear to me what he was about to say. And I was scared. “I love you too. And I promise to try and answer as honest as possible.” Hoping that it would help him say the words. “I know we’ve only been together for two and a half years but with you, it feels like I’ve known you my whole life. And that is not something I feel with every person. You give me the feeling that there is something more important in life than my job. What I’m about to ask you is”, he knelt before me and took out a ring, “Will you spend the rest of your life with me and be my wife in good times and in bad?”

There it was. The question of all questions. And he asked it out in nature on a cliff. Even though I had known that he was going to ask it, I was overwhelmed. And still, I didn’t know what to say. But a part of me knew the answer already. “Jason, I love you. I truly, deeply do. I just don’t know if I’m ready yet. Please give me time, time to let my heart heal and see if I’m ready for it. Please don’t make it a ‘now or never’ decision. I am so sorry that I can’t give you ‘Yes’ for an answer yet. But I’m not giving you a ‘No’ either. I’m just saying give me time. That’s all I’m asking for. A little time.” And I looked into his eyes. There was disappointment. Pain. I had hurt him. Not on purpose and I had given him exactly what he wanted. But still, I had hurt him with it. “Henriette, what can I say. I don’t know what to answer to this. I understand that you need time. Yet, your answer gives me nothing but uncertainty. I understand that you’ve had a very hard time with Jane’s death but think of what Jane would’ve wanted you to do. I won’t push you, but I will set you a limit. A deadline, if you want. I’ll give you five days. Meet me at the café where we had our first date in five days and we will figure it out then. Okay?” That was only fair, and, in that moment, I felt he was the right one. I suddenly knew it. He would’ve given me time, but I realized I didn’t need it. And in my mind, I saw Jane, smiling and nodding at me. I remembered what she had said in her letter. It was what she would’ve wanted. And it was what I wanted.

I started running. Jason had already started to walk back. I screamed. “Jason! Wait right there, will you?! Please.” He turned around, waiting, I ran towards him and almost tackled him down. “What is it with you Germans and tackling, has no one taught you manners?” He chuckled. “Sorry for tackling you.
It was the only way you’d stay. Will you just listen and say nothing till I’m finished?” His face took a serious expression. “I can try. No promises here”, he said. “I know that I possibly broke your heart when I said I needed time. But there’s something I need to say. This is not easy for me. When Jane died, she left me a letter. And in that letter, she said that she wanted me to live on, even if I grieved her. It seemed like an impossible thing to do at the time. But here I am talking to you. About to do exactly this. I’m sorry that I almost broke your heart and now try to fix it. But I don’t need five days. I’ve made my decision. And it is that ‘Yes’ I want to be your wife for as long as I live. I love you, Jason. And nothing can or will stop me from doing so. If you still want me to.” Jason was, expectedly, speechless. And he had no idea how to deal with that rapid change of mind. “I… I’m not sure what to say right now. And I am not completely certain you’re telling me the truth. To be honest with you, of course I still want you to be my wife and spend the rest of my life with you! But how will I know? How can I know that you love me and want to be with me if you told me five minutes ago that you weren’t sure?” This was understandable. “I know this is all very confusing and not fair to you. But the only thing I can do is tell you, and trust that you love me regardless of my mistakes.” He kissed me, looked at me for a long time and said: “I wouldn’t be able to stop loving you that fast anyway. And there’s still time. We don’t have to marry tomorrow. There’s still many months’ time. But let’s go tell them!” He seemed euphoric. I was still shocked. “Yes. Let’s go tell them.” And so, we went. That night we all stayed up long. Letting the day’s happenings sink in. We could see the stars. And when I looked up, I felt happiness fill up my body and I listened to the steady heartbeat of the man that I would spend the rest of my life with. Everything would turn out to be good. At least that’s what I had thought.

Now I wish you all a wonderful week and an amazing day. Maybe I’ll write another post until next week,
Sincerely yours



Quotes to live by

Dear Readers,

Today I came across a quote on the Internet that really stuck with me. It was something I found to be quite inspiring and helpful regarding trusting myself. As you probably know by now I’ve been struck by wanderlust and am planning a backpacking trip next summer. But it seems to me the only ones who support the thought of me going alone are a friend who did it himself and I. Not the best circumstances for a solo travel. Everyone seems to be worried about something happening to me. Yes, most of the people who know me, if not all, think I trust people way too fast. So they’re worried I’d let my guard down way too fast because of the sometimes fake kindness of strangers. They’re scared that I’ll be taken advantage of. And even people who’ve just met me tell me to take care of myself. So yeah, I might trust strangers way too fast and I might not be focused 100%  all the time but I wanna challenge myself. I wanna get out there. Have the adventure of a lifetime. It’s been really confusing for me because there’s this part of me who gets that they’re worried and even sees why. But there’s another part who wants to say “fuck it and do it anyway.” I’m not sure which part is bigger. Well, I’ve almost let myself be convinced to first go with a travel agency called STA Travel. But after that, I’ll do what I want and be on my own for a bit. Maybe one to two weeks for the beginning. And maybe I’ll like it or maybe I won’t. I wish I could just go for it now. Leave and not be scared of what the future holds.

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for – and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool – for love – for your dreams – for the adventure of being alive.” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

This quote inspired me because I wanna live like that. I wanna live like there’s nothing to be afraid of. I wanna face my fears and be brave. And most of all: I wanna love. Deeply, passionately and truly. “Because what an awfully big adventure it would be to just live.” (J.M.Barry) Another quote that has inspired me, is one from an amazing book I’m reading right now. It’s called “On The Road” by Jack Kerouac. Now, 50 years after the edited version was published, Penguin Classics published the actual unedited version. And guess what it’s about (drum roll!!!): A Road Trip in America.  The book itself inspires me and helps me find ideas for my own journey, and be a little less scared of the unknown. Because I wanna feel free. Which I am right now but I wanna feel completely free. Doing what I love while screaming at the top of my lungs.

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” by Jack Kerouac – On The Road

That’s encouraging for me to be who I am. And to accept me. Which I do most of the time anyway. But when I’m in doubt and it gets hard to take it helps to read something like this. Keeping it as a reminder. I don’t know what I’d be without words. I’d have a lot less depth, at least if there were no words at all and thoughts couldn’t be described. Probably. But luckily there are words and I can express myself with them. Most of the time. Sometimes it’s a little hard to focus on what I’m saying. Because I tend to jump from one subject to another in a matter of seconds. But that’s okay. You can just ask if something’s not clear and I’ll tell you as well as possible where I made the transition. So there’s nothing to worry about. Not one thing. I thought that I’d get that straight for the people who read my blog for the first time. I guess that’s about it for today.

Goodnight, Good Morning or whatever time it is, wherever you’re reading this from.

Sincerely yours,


‘The Lord of the Flies’ or what and where the beast is and how to conquer it

Dear Readers,
I haven’t done these in a long time, book reviews. Forgive me for the quality. I’m trying. But this one is gonna be a little different. I am mostly going to focus on the interpretation instead of reviewing it. Before we start off, I’ll give you a quick reminder about the plot and then you’ll be all set.

A bunch of boys, 2nd Word War. Crash landed on an island. They have no idea where they are, nor is there any adult to tell them what to do. So they follow their knowledge they have about building a society and try to start a democracy. They establish ground rules and vote for a leader. Ralph (the leader) Piggy (the intelligent), Jack (the hunter) and Simon (the rationalist) are the most important figures in this book. In the beginning this sounds like a fun adventure, being alone on an Island as a little kid. No one telling you what to do. You can play by your own rules. And since they’re just kids, they see the whole situation as a game. Yet, nothing’s ever as it seems. It is far too peaceful for an allegory in the 2nd world war. A problem that they don’t know how to solve occurs. The fantasy of a beast on the Island. And the younger kids are scared. They make an assembly to discuss the matter. Ralph as their leader tries to follow rational thought and explains it with the concept of fear. Jack comes up with the idea to find and murder the beast. The little ones can’t comprehend the concept of fear and rely on their instincts. Finding and killing the beast would be their only logical solution. The boys split up their group. The hunters, which led by Jack loses rational thought and intelligence, become savages. What started out as a game, becomes of fatal severity when one night a parachuter from the army falls in a storm and dies. The boys, not knowing what it was, assume it was the beast. Simon gets lost in the jungle. As he is wandering aimlessly through the trees, he finds the dead parachuter. Simon is exhausted and dehydrated. He sees a pigs’ head on a stick and hears a voice. That voice is telling him that it’s inside him. And that he doesn’t stand a chance. It’s introducing itself as the ‘Lord Of The Flies’. Later that night, Simon wants to tell the others. But as it is dark they think he’s the beast and kill him. That is not the end of the story. Yet it’s the end of hope.

In this book there are many parallels to the real world. Especially the world around the time of WW2. About the human race in general. The Lord of the flies is not a person. It’s not someone or something you can kill, it’s a darkness inside of us. Something everyone one of us has a part of. It’s a corner in our souls, filled with darkness and evil. The human race is capable of killing another human being. It’s a part of us that can only be conquered by realising it’s there. There’s another psychological aspect to it, which is the phenomena of obedience. It can be compared to the Milgram Experiment. This phenomena tries to understand how people are capable of killing other people. If a person is given an order by an authority, they will obediently follow it and will not hesitate if that authority has told them they’d take responsibility. That’s a very important part to it. If we can give up responsibility, we are more likely to do things we normally wouldn’t do. Such as killing. And exactly that happened in World War 2. This was why they were capable of killing. They just gave the responsibility to their leader. And that’s exactly what I interpret out of this book. The night Simon died, all the kids that helped in the process of killing him, gave the responsibility to Jack. Jack is their leader, he will deal with the consequences. I think it’s fascinating yet it’s making me shiver when I think about it.

You definitely shouldn’t miss reading ‘The Lord Of the Flies’. Not only because it’s a classic, but also because of its wide range of human knowledge. It helps you understand, not forgive, but surely understand. What’s fascinating about it is, that it can be used in so many ways. It can be used as a literary piece of art, but also as a psychology study on how humans work. You can use it in whatever way you want it to.

Good night, good morning, good afternoon or whatever time it is wherever you’re reading this from. Thank you for making it through.
Sincerely yours,

Trip to Germany: Old faces and new stories

Dear Readers,
Remember when I told you I’d go on a trip to Germany and maybe do a post on it? Well, that time is now. And as I’m writing these lines, I’m reflecting on this past journey.
Thursday 12th April 2018
4:00 AM. My alarm woke me and weirdly I wasn’t tired at all. The excitement of travelling gave me a rush. I woke my dad so we could start driving. At 5:00 AM we were on the road. After 2 hours we crossed the border. Suddenly the rush disappeared. I slept for the next 2 hours as the landscapes were moving past us.
P1070312Coffee and caesar sandwich. Driving. Sleeping. After 8 hours of being in the car, we finally arrived. Unpacking. Talking to my grandmother I hadn’t seen in 3 years. Asking her questions about my great-great-grandmother. The main reason for the talk. The story I’m writing. But I learned so much more. I heard stories of travels they made when they were young and things I already knew but now could look at in a different perspective. After a lot of talking, I took my camera. The garden in all its beauty made me think. And the thinking didn’t stop. After some time to myself in the garden, I realized how calm and peaceful it was. Nothing but silence. No phone, no social media, no emails to check, no stress. Just the garden. And it felt like a break for the soul. I realised that I’ve become dependent on my phone, as many of us tend to these days. So I decided not to use it as much. At least for a while.

Wasbüttel b. Gifhorn, Germany

After that, I went inside. Dinner was just what I needed. I don’t quite remember what we did that night, but it wasn’t really spectacular. Just sitting there and talking about the following day and when the others would come. Since it had been a long day I went to bed early. At least for my sleeping habits, 11 is early. Especially since I haven’t really managed to go to bed before 1 AM lately.

Friday 13th April 2018
After eating breakfast I made an interview, to get more details about those ancestors of mine. Which really helped with my story, because now I know that part of those ancestors lived in Rosendale, New York. And luckily there were still pictures of those family members. Sadly my photography skills are really bad. Which is why you won’t see good versions of the pictures, but still, it’s great to have pictures from the 19th and early 20ieth century. I really enjoyed looking at those mementoes of the past.

House in Rosendale, New York

Especially since it feels unbelievable that those people in the pictures are part of me.

Henriette and her sisters (Ancestors)

Ever since I’ve started researching this subject, I’ve been captured by it. By talking and asking questions, by just listening and being persistent I got more information that I thought I would’ve. I’ve learned things about my family I didn’t know before. For example, that my great-great-grandfather served as Uhlan, which was a very high position in Military. Or that my grandparents used to do spontaneous trips to places like Island. And that they liked travelling. After Lunch, the first guests arrived. Uncles and aunts I hadn’t seen in years. Only vast memories, basically strangers. But familiar strangers. I’ve found this whole time very interesting because I got to meet them in a new way. The last time I had seen them I was very young and less mature. Not that I am completely mature now. But I understood things that would’ve been boring to me at a younger age. I was very happy to see them again. It was great talking about things we had missed. And I got to know a new side of my Uncle. Let’s just say each time your eyes are not on your glass of wine it’s full again. And let’s just say I had a fun time staying there till 2 AM with him and one of my aunts. Because those conversations were deeply interesting. I don’t quite remember what they were about either but they were expanding my horizon. At around 2 AM I found my way to my room and fell asleep quite fast. The only bad thing about going to bed late is having to wake up early the next day.
Saturday and Sunday 14th and 15th April 2018
So after a few hours of sleep, I ate breakfast. Later that day my favourite cousin came and it was amazing. I hadn’t seen her in 2 years. The day was full of celebrations because it was 65 years of marriage between my grandmother and my grandfather. There was a lot of cake. And I really enjoyed it. There was even a service for them. In the afternoon I went out into the garden again. And it looked as amazing as it had the day before. I just enjoyed taking some more pictures. P1070315There isn’t much to say about Saturday except that I stayed up till 2 AM again. And that I was talking a lot. I realized that not using my phone as much, was actually a relief. It felt great. Not having to stress about anyone or anything. But on the other

Spring has arrived

hand, it was exhausting. The family members. So many people. Asking what you’re doing with your life, wanting to know how you’ve been. “Is there anyone in your life, do you have a boyfriend?” Me answering:” Yeah, my life is going great. I’m writing a book. Yes, that’s right. I’ve been doing great. Well yeah, I’ve had some things going on. Didn’t work out though. Yeah I know I’m still young. Oh yeah, I’m gonna focus on school and stuff. Great. How’ve you been?” Yup,
P1070308that’s basically it. I like to talk about things but if there are too many people I feel exhausted. So many expressions to read. And hell, half of my family are sarcastic and ironic. But they’re kinda great. Enjoyable. On Sunday after a few hours of sleep, I went to breakfast and everybody was almost finished. Amazing. Well It was feast again, one of my uncles, he has Down Syndrome, had his 42 birthday. And we gave him lots of great presents. Like a huge Teddy bear and clothes, T-Shirts mostly. And a puzzle. He was so happy. And it made us all happy too. It was that lightness. That almost childlike mind that made me rethink how I look at certain things in life. But it also gave me a certain seriousness to things we don’t value enough. Such as being able to look after oneself. Because it’s not given. We take so many things for granted, and they’re not. It’s not granted that we’re able to conquer all those daily challenges without any help. It was a reminder that I should be thankful for all
P1070344 I’ve got. We all should. I really enjoyed that day too. In the afternoon we left for Hamburg. My godfather lives there. And I really wanted to go to Hamburg because of the Museum of Emigration. The drive there took about 2 and a half hours. Whenever I looked outside it almost looked the same. Alleys, trees, cars, and some more alleys. Then some sleep. Another road. Listening to the audiobook. Crime. Best thing if you need P1070352some sleep. Another alley. Never ending. I have so many pictures I want to show you but not enough words to describe them. And you might get bored. To lighten this whole thing up a bit I’m just gonna skim through the travel and put in a few pictures later. While I was on that ride, I thought about how good it felt to see different parts of the country. And also different parts of the world. I could feed my Wanderlust, nurture that dream of mine. But I fell asleep some of the times. So I didn’t see everything. But I took a few snapshots with my camera out of the car. They’re not quite good but I still enjoyed taking them. As the afternoon approached we finally got there. And it was as amazing as I had thought it to be. THE HAVEN. It was such an impressive view. It was huge. And as I looked at it, I felt like I was looking at a giant piece of Art. I really enjoyed it. It was amazing. And as we drove through the city I came across this beautiful Park and I just had to take a picture of it. It enchanted me with its beauty.
P1070359Especially the way spring changes everything. It changes your perspective, gives you flowers. The sun comes out again once or twice. It’s beautiful. I actually took another picture that is completely different: the Elbtunnel. It’s pretty dark and not good quality but I was under a river. So that’s not bad. It feels kinda creepy because you can never be 100 percent sure that it’s safe. Definitely worth the risk though. Especially since there is a good constructionP1070357. The picture is really bad, I know, sorry guys. Never mind. In the evening we ate in a Tibetan Restaurant and the duck was delicious. I like ducks. Then we went to bed at my godfathers’ and I fell asleep at about 12:30 AM. It had been a long day. Especially the weekend that had been full of people and talking that I was really tired. So after checking social media, after 3 days of nothing. I fell asleep.

Monday 16th April 2018
After a night of some bad sleep, I went to the museum of Emigration called Ballinstadt, Hamburg. It was really interesting to hear about all those stories. People who had to leave their homes because of their beliefs, ethnicity and other reasons. The most shocking thing was that some of those reasons are still there today, it’s like history repeats itself all over again. Of course today it’s different. We’ve got better technology and are more advanced in knowledge. But that also means that our problems are more advanced, yet they’re just an improvisation of the old ones. The first Hall was about the background story of this whole institution. It was about Albert Ballin who came up with the idea of taking passengers in cargo ships to increase the income from the passages. P1070356

That was a revolutionary invention for the process. He then started working with the Hapag Lloyd. They expanded the project and made the first luxurious cruise. This project lasted until 1918 when Albert Ballin killed himself because of losing the 1 WW. He knew this was the death of his company. Well anyways, this was what the first hall was about. And some background details about what it looked like. In the 2nd hall, the awesomeness started. A map of the world and a live count of the people being born and how many people are there in this world. Then the journey started. The whole exhibition was a walkthrough of a journey that usually took months. And was hard and arduous. But with that exhibition, I had the possibility to experience it in 3 and a half hours. In a safe and comfortable yet informative way. This experience was very helpful. Especially for my project. Since it gave me the information I needed. As I went through the room with the push and pull factors I was fascinated by the stories that were written
on the walls. Stories of dreams, stories of hopes, stories of 20180416_154739desperation and many more. Then you went into a literal ship, in which they talked about what it felt like to be treated as cargo. There was a lot of desperation and hope. When they got to America, only the healthy ones were allowed to immigrate. The other ones were either tended there or sent back. In the third exhibition hall, we could discover our past with the help of anchestry.com. It’s free there and you can pretend to be a genealogist. You can try and find your ancestors and you might even get in contact with them. This was an amazing opportunity to find out where I really come from and who I really am. Maybe my obsession with English comes from my great-great-grandmother. Maybe it’s just a part of who I am. I am not quite sure. But I guess that’s not really what I’m trying to say at all. Long story short it was really P1070373interesting and amazing. And after that, we went to one of my aunts. On the way out of the city, I thought why not take pictures. So I took a few snapshots. They’re all out of the car so don’t expect too much. I hope it’s not too bad though. I think Hamburg is a beautiful city. From what I’ve seen. Which wasn’t nearly as much as I wanted to. But enough for knowing that I absolutely love it. Its buildings, the river, the trees and parks. I could go on and on about this. But you’d probably fall asleep. I don’t wanna bore you to death. I just think this was a really great trip. Because I had time to reflect on certain things. Which really helped me.

The Elbe

On the way out it started raining heavily. And next thing I knew we were at a completely different place. On the way home. Except we weren’t on our way home but to my aunt that has basically a zoo in her Garden. Dogs and cats, even a tame goose. As well as chickens, Quails and rabbits. Many things to see. But to be honest I was glad when we left on the next day. All I wanted was to go home. Talk with friends, enjoy times together. Spend fun days in the city and just be. I was done with staying at places only 1 day. Either real or not at all. It takes more than half a day to explore Hamburg, it takes more than one afternoon and a night to explore a city.
Tuesday and Wednesday, 17th  and 18th April 2018
Funny thing the next day we were in another city. But even though we stayed such a short time, it was very enjoyable. And I did enjoy it very much. Göttingen is a University city (not sure if that’s the right term). It’s very pretty and idyllic. We went to a Greek Restaurant where the food was delicious. The people we stayed with were another aunt and her husband. He’s a biker and told me about this amazing thing they have in the Netherlands to make people use fewer cars. There are houses that give bikers or hikers a bed for the night for about 30 Euros. Which is not much if you consider it. But only for bikers or hikers. Breakfast inclusive. And I thought this was an amazing opportunity to travel in an inexpensive way. Maybe I’ll do it one day. Who knows.

P1070363I’ll figure it out. It was a very interesting evening. And at the end of the day, it was 2 AM and a very hot room. The next morning I woke up with the sudden need for a coffee. Then we left for home. It was time to say goodbye to old friends and family. Time to get back to daily life. Time to leave this part of life. With 29 Celsius and an old VW Bus. Not a good working air conditioner. Sweat. Food at the next gas station. Coffee, Wiener Schnitzel and fries. I know it sounds gross but it isn’t. Believe me. Sun. Hot weather. No clouds. Sleeping again. Making a short visit to some other acquaintances. Pizza and salad. Cake for dessert. 2 hours after the actual lunch. But one can’t say no to nice people who ask you if you want some food and answer their own question. 🙂 But it was really good. Then we finally went home to Switzerland. Hey back.
I really learned a lot about myself on this trip. Even though it was a short one. I realized I shouldn’t use my phone as much because it takes away many hours of a day you could’ve spent doing something far more interesting. Although I’m not saying that I don’t have my favourite series on Netflix or Words with Friends on Facebook. But all I’m saying is that I’m gonna try.

Now congratulations if you’ve made it all the way here. I hope you’re all doing great and enjoy life as much as possible. I hope you’re following your dreams and loving yourselves. And having fun of course. Good morning, Night, Afternoon or whatever time it is at yours right now.

Yours truly and Wanderlusty


Adventures, Life and Questions

Dear Readers,
I didn’t post on Thursday because of things I had to get done. And then, on Friday, the family dog died. And I really didn’t feel like writing a blog post then. Our dog was 16 years old, which is really old for a Golden Retriever, and I knew it would happen sometime but I was still really sad. Now I can write. Updates on the story are that I’m kind of having concentration problems. And I wanna work on it but I keep getting distracted. I should probably try and just do it. But it’s not that easy. Or maybe it is and I should just get my stuff together. In two days I’m leaving for a trip to Germany. First I’ll go to a family feast and hopefully see loads of cousins and stuff. Then I’ll go to Hamburg. Visiting Ballinstadt, the Museum of Emigration in Hamburg. Hopefully, I’ll see a little more of the city than that. I wanna take pictures and maybe do a post on it. I’m not sure yet. We’ll see. My mind is kind of blank right now. Not a lot has changed since the last post. I’m still having Wanderlust and it’s getting stronger every day. I hear of all these people that are travelling, having the time of their lives and exploring the world. And I want that too. I just don’t have the time or money. I’d have to get a job first. That’s not foreseeable any time soon. Because I haven’t even finished high school yet. And that binds me to this place. I love living in Switzerland, don’t get me wrong. It’s beautiful and I feel privileged to live here. I just wanna see other places. Cultures of other countries fascinate me. It seems like there’s this whole world out there, waiting to be explored. Yet I’m staying at the place I’ve known my whole life. But I guess if it’s waiting now, it’ll still be there waiting in a year or two. The only thing I need is patience. And the power to dream on. Living in a world full of people who tell you, dreams are nothing more than childish thoughts in one’s head. I believe we are destined to have dreams and follow them. Well most of them anyways. They still have to be reasonable to some extent. For example, another one of my dreams is getting my drivers license. Which would be pretty achievable. The only thing stopping me from doing so is, that I’m scared I won’t be able to drive because of my dyspraxia. You probably don’t know what that is so I’ll give you a short version. It’s basically that my motor skills suck, fine and gross motor skills. It’s also being able to focus on more than one task at a time that’s really hard. And it also takes longer to learn things. It’s not impossible it just takes more time. For example, when I was a little kid I didn’t have the reflex to put my arms in front of me when I fell down. So I always fell right on my face. But I learned it with determination and after some time I managed to do it. The same with tagging eggs. I used to do the movement out of my elbow and not like one should out the wrist. So I’d basically smash them. Now I can do it because I worked for it. Thing is, those are basic things. If I wanted to drive a car I’d have to focus on so many things at the same time and I can’t even do it when I’m not driving a car. Especially the movement of steering because it requires a lot of movement control. Which I certainly don’t have. At least not yet. But I’ve done quite some research and I’ve seen that it’s possible to drive a car with dyspraxia, it just takes a lot longer. And I’d have to have the determination. Which I would possibly have. Hopefully. Maybe I’m going to do it next year. Many of my friends have done it. And I can too, even if it would probably be an automatic car. I should embrace this possibility. I really should. And I’ve learned that it’s okay to ask for help if needed. But sometimes it makes me feel frustrated because there are some things others can do easily and I just need more time or struggle. And I know it’s stupid because other people have it so much worse. And I have it really good. I have my strengths too. Languages, talking, being an empath, writing and Philosophy. It’s just that sometimes, I tend to be rather hard on myself. And if I don’t succeed at something I try again. I know what my resources are and I try to work on them and with them, rather than focusing on my weaknesses. At least trying. And that’s important. Trying is my way of living. I live after the sentence: How do you know it’s not worth it if you’ve never tried? I believe if you haven’t tried you can’t say whether it’s good or bad for you. So at least try. What’s the worst that can happen? You fail. But is that really such a terrible thing? At least you’ll know that you’ve done something, you’ve tried. And I think that’s more important than failing or succeeding. It can be scary to try something. It could hurt you. But it could also make you really happy. Now the question is, do you want to take that risk? I definitely would. Because I don’t want to regret the choices I have made. And if there’s a choice to be made from which I know that it’s risky but I also know that I’d regret it if I didn’t make it, I definitely choose the risk. The worst thing that could happen would be getting hurt. And that’s scary. But you can recover from the pain. And you will. What you can’t recover from, however, are the choices you didn’t make. You’ll always be left wondering with the question of what would’ve been. And no one will ever answer that question. You’ll be left wondering. I’m always searching for adventures. Still, most of them happen in my head. Speaking of search, I’ve decided not to search for anyone. And I’ve decided to stop waiting. I will just live my life and if someone comes along I’ll take the chance. And I’ll be happy to share my life with someone new. And I’ll fall in love once again. And if I get hurt, I just will. And it I don’t, even better. I’ll just take life as it comes. That’s the best I can do.
Goodnight, Good morning, good afternoon or whatever time it is wherever you’re reading this from.
Have the time of your lives and Live. Love. Be respectful.

Nothing at all and yet everything, all at once

Dear Readers,
Today I have no updates on my story, whatsoever. I’ve been editing the first 10 pages and soon someone will read it and give me back feedback on it. That’s what’s new about the story. Now, since I can’t give you an update of the story, I will do something else. I’ll try and reflect my feelings and sort my head out. As a few of you may know I can be quite confusing because I often jump between subjects. But you will get used to it, so don’t you dare worry. I think that life can be quite confusing itself, sometimes. Let’s be honest, most of the time. You walk on your path, day by day. And there’s always new twists, like in the plot of the last novel that you read. You never know where you’re going. You know that you are going and you might even know what direction you’re headed, but you never know exactly where you’re going. Maybe you tell others everyday that you know exactly what you’re doing. And you might even believe yourself. But at the end of the day, you have no idea. I have no idea. I’m living my life and some days it’s really an adventure, but then there are just some days where nothing unusual happens. It’s just a day like every other day. Nothing special. And that’s when I start to dream. I dream about having a far more adventurous life. I dream about going to the airport and just taking off. I dream about traveling all those interesting places, with its people and its culture. And I wonder, why shouldn’t I just take off? Why not just leave? For one thing it’s money and another very important factor is time. Both of which I don’t have enough to just leave. I’ve got to do what all the others do. Daily life business. And Jobs, school, friends. Laughing, smiling. Talking about the great times you’ve had. But buried deep beneath all that there is just a girl, not knowing how to deal with her feelings. But in her writing she knows. She knows what to do, or she knows what should be done. Her writing is her escape. Her pen is her vehicle that she can use to flee from her reality. But then again, what is reality. Is it what we see, feel, hear, smell or taste? Or is it what we perceive around us but also what we think to see and not really what we actually see? What is reality? Well I’d say, to some extent it’s subjective. I’m putting extra importance on the ‘to some extent part’ because it’d not always the same. And it wouldn’t be right if I said it was. So please know that what I am telling you is an opinion. Simply thoughts in my head. They are not meant to attack anyone with another perspective. I will accept your opinion and I hope you do mine. Thank you for your long attention-span. And congratulations if you’ve made it this far. Goodnight, Day, Afternoon or whatever time it is wherever you’re reading this.
Yours truly,

Wanderlust: A dream or reality to come true?

Dear Readers,
I want to discover the world. I want to travel. I want to explore new things and meet new people. I want to live different cultures and there are so many things I want right now. But it won’t come true. At least not for the next year. I have no Job, no monthly money income, no work experience. And no time for a job, or travels. I’m in my second last year of High School. There’s exams to be written and projects to be made. But I wanna travel. And I’ve already picked out a route. The question is, will I actually do this? Can I wait a year? Do I have the courage to do what I want, after this year? Answer: I have no idea, whatsoever. A certain “MAYBE”. Screaming at me, laughing at me. Some days I think, I’m totally gonna do it. And then other days I have to rethink it. I’m being far from realistic. No one knows what will be in a year. No one knows what will change. IF things go as planned, which they basically never do in life, a year from know I’ll have my last exams and it will be the last few months in school. Then I’ll hopefully start University. And study English lit, Philosophy and Psychology. But before that I’ll go travel. For maybe about 2 months before Uni starts. But then again. That’s my dream future. In fact I don’t even know if I’ll stay home or leave. I’ll be 20 next year. Now I’m still 18 but in May I’ll be 19 years old. Weird age. It’s nothing special. But who knows what things happen when you’re 19. Maybe I’ll meet the love of my life, maybe I won’t. There’s so many maybes. But I guess that’s okay. No one can answer the questions about your future. No one will ever know, until you experience it yourself. Not knowing what’s gonna happen is weird. Scary even. But you know that you’ll be okay somehow. Because there’s always people that share your path. Then they might leave it for some time. And maybe your paths will cross again. Be open for anything. Because if you close yourself off, it’s not gonna help you. In no way. Let people be persistent. At least sometimes. They can help you and be there for you if and when you need them. This support system is important. Friends. There are friends everywhere. You just have to talk. And interact with them. Meeting new people can be scary, at first. But consider this, they are just as afraid as you are. And if you talk to them they’ll be so thankful. Because maybe they wanted to talk to you, but they couldn’t get over their fear of what you might think. Now in life there are many situations you’re not sure what to think about it, so just accept it instead of asking why. Why do we exist? How did the world become what it is today? What is the reason? No one can answer these questions. And no one ever will. Maybe we’ll know when we’re long gone, we will answer it and the journey will be finished. But know we’re right at the beginning and in this life there is no answer. But that’s something that has to be accepted. This way we can make peace with it. Maybe there are just some secrets meant to be left hidden. And maybe our purpose is to all that out. But we’ve always got at least one choice. In that case, we can either choose to accept things or we don’t. Either way, it’s our choice. Our responsibility. Now I’ve completely lost myself in this subject and I don’t know where or who I am anymore. But then again, can we even answer this question? I don’t know. I guess we’re all kinda lost in different ways. And we’re all trying to find ourselves. These are simply thoughts and assumptions. I am in no way saying that this is the truth. Because I simply don’t know. But as I said, maybe. Just be yourself. You’re great that way. And try to be open for change. Places, countries and many more travel related keywords.
I know that this post must’ve been a bit confusing to you. I was reflecting my inner life and my emotion in my post. And since I’ve been confused you will be too, after reading this.
I hope you have a goodnight, Day, afternoon or whatever it is at yours.
Yours truly,

Dublin as a home from 2.7 to 23. 7.2017

Dear Readers,
wow, this has been a long time. Do I even still exist? The answer to that is Yes. I still wander around with my feet on the ground and my head in the sky. Yup, it’s me. I’m back. For real this time. It’s been two months and give or take 30 days. I’ve spent the whole May and June with studying and working on my Grades and it did work out in the end. I am now officially a Junior. So now you know what happened in May and June, but what was going on in July? I went to a language school in, hard to guess with the title, Dublin! That’s what I did for the first three weeks of my summer holidays. Would I switch it for lying at the beach and sunbathing? Never in the world. Those three weeks have been an experience that I wouldn’t want to switch with anything in the world. But I do want to share it with you. And I will tell you as much as I remember and as much as I want you to know. So get a coffee and enjoy those next lines, they are an apology for not being here.
Before I start, I will introduce you to the way I will tell the story. There will be bits of weeks. I’ll try to explain and talk about it in as many details as possible. There won’t be any pictures of me as I want to show myself through words and not pictures. There will, however, be pictures of landscapes and places. Let’s get started:

1st week in Dublin- My life begins

In the morning of the 2nd July 2017 at 5.30 am I said goodbye to my family. The first time on a plane without them. Alone. Off  to a foreign country. To be honest I was a little scared. Not that something would happen. But it is a step to do things on your own. To grow up. The flight went down without any problems, at least none that I heard of. The flight attendants brought me coffee and breakfast and we landed an hour after. The baggage claim was jammed. Full of people waiting. It took them an hour to get the baggage to the travellers. Including me. SO,  after that hour, the transfer I had booked was waiting for me and they took me to the host family. I lived about 50 minutes away from the school, which was in the city center, with taking the bus. They welcomed me and talked to me about their family, about what I had to take care of and they kept asking me if I had any questions. And then they told me that their only rule was for me to be happy. I went to my room and then we waited for my roommate to arrive. They introduced me to their other student from Italy at dinner. The first day had made me tired so I went to bed rather early, which means around 10.30 pm.


On Monday that other language school student showed my roomie and I the way to school. We got there on time. But then I was sent away to another place which I had to find with other students. There I had to wait again with others because because we weren’t 19+. After about an hour they came to take us to the Juniors. There was no space left so we sat on the floor. We got a badge for Registration, which was kind of a chaos but it was nice to talk to people. And when registration was over and the picture taken there was waiting. Then they gave us a tour that ended with Trinity College. Went to the first Pub with some french girl and drank a beer. Then my roomie and I went home. Dinner was ready. On Tuesday school started. I met my classmates and we got schoolbooks and stuff and then I met some guy. He was from Spain. And he was a real Gentleman. I had been writing with him so we knew some stuff about each other. We went to Trinity College again to make our Student Leap Cards ( Bus card with discounts) and then we went to Diceys with his friends. Diceys as was a Club for young people: there was party and there were cheap drinks. He payed and took care of my backpack. We had a fun time and I talked to some Irish guy. He showed me how to drink Guinness. Well that being said I didn’t stay that long for it was the first week. Wednesday I got lost on my way to school. It took me 45 minutes to find it which made me get there 15 minutes late. We had quite a great class called Writing and Presentation which helped me improve my presentation skills. Thursday I went to the Guinness Factory. Alone. I walked there from the city centre in 2 hours to find out afterwards that there was a bus that would’ve taken me 10 minutes. But it was great though. I went on an actual Tasting in the factory. They showed us how to taste the Guinness with all our senses. School started at 5.00 pm and ended at 7.50 pm. Then I went to Diceys and had a few drinks. It was quite fun. The music was playing and a certain someone walked me to the door.


Guess who got lost again on Friday. Yass you’re right, mee. Got there 30 minutes late. But they didn’t care because it was the first week. I didn’t really do much on Friday except eating and going to school. There was a lecture which was quite interesting though. It was about Irish Myths. Then I went to grab some food with friends. That was it. On Saturday I slept quite long and in the afternoon we had School. I never got used to it. Just to tell you that in advance. In the evening I had some sort of a date with that Spanish Guy. Well it was more hanging out than date and he got there an hour late. That was Saturday evening. On Sunday I did nothing except wondering how a week had gone by so fast and how I didn’t miss my home at all. But that had no other reason than me enjoying my stay in Dublin and not having time to miss my usual life.

2nd Week in Dublin- A foreign country becomes home

I love Ireland with its green landscapes. A never-ending Green. The never-ending stories. The rain that starts unexpected. The sun the shines afterwards. And its people. But not only Irish people. On Monday I went on a trip to the Cliffs of Mohair. I did this with school. They had rented a bus for this trip took us 3h 40min to get there and the same on the way back. There were so many Spanish people in the language school. And they are some of the funniest people I’ve ever met in my life. And they taught me some Spanish words and expressions. I hadn’t laughed so much in a long time. It was a really long trip but it was worth it. The view from the top of the Cliffs was breathtaking. It was one of the most impressing and most beautiful things I had ever seen. We had about 3 hours to go on a walk and take pictures.


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These are some pictures of the Cliffs of Mohair and its infinity.

On Tuesday school started again. Same schedule only that they tested the fire alarm. Again school. Again waking up at 6 am. I stayed home that night because I had a presentation on the next day. A presentation about Area 51. On that day I went home in the evening. On Thursday I went to another Museum called Epic, it was about the Emigrants of Ireland, near the River Liffey.

Then school started again, but I couldn’t really concentrate because I had a date. That certain Spanish someone and I went to an Italian restaurant and then we waited for the bus together. And then “The Killers – Mr. Brightside” got real. In case you don’t know the lyrics here are the lines that described the time when we were waiting for the bus:”It started out with a kiss”. And that was it. And I went home as happy as I hadn’t been for a long time. The next day was school. Quite normal. Nothing unusual happened except me thinking about him all the time. I didn’t go out that day. I did do something fun in the afternoon. I went to the Leprechaun Museum. For the people who don’t know what a Leprechaun is, they are small creatures living hidden in the landscapes of Ireland. It was quite fun. I had a solo tour. Because I was the only one that had signed up for that tour. It was great because I could discuss my thoughts on the stories with the guide. And that I what I love to do. Talk. On Saturday school again and I went home in the evening because I was tired and a little cold. On Sunday the adventurous me started. I went to a Park with a Rose festival. Stayed there and listened to some traditional music. Then I wanted to see the Sea. Thing was the tides weren’t playing with me. So I went on a walk in the mudflat, which was great. But I was alone again. Then I thought if I had come this far why not just keep walking? So I walked to a beautiful place called Howth that was near the see. Actually it’s on a semi-island. And it was great. And I got to see the Sea again.

Howth and its beauty

Then I took the Dart (Irish Public Transport Train)  and went to Dublin City centre. I was so tired that I went home that evening. And that ended the 2nd week. I started to feel a little sad while thinking that this was going to be my last week.

3rd Week in Dublin-Home is where the heart is

On my last Monday in this beautiful place called Dublin, I went on a Trip with a Tourist-Bus. This happened spontaneously. I had thought that I had successfully booked a Trip to Giant’s Causeway in Northern Ireland with the school. But apparently I hadn’t. And that’s what they told me at 8.10 am. So I went to the next visitor centre and asked if there were any Trips available without booking. And they said yes, to Giant’s Causeway. And I just gave them the money and went on a Bus full of strangers. And off we went, on a trip that took us 3h and 40 minutes to get there. And I had the time of my live. I was alone but I wasn’t at the same time. We made a halt to take pictures of a ruin of a castle that they used to film Game of Thrones. Then we stopped at the Giant’s Causeway and had 2 hours to go down there and take pictures and enjoy. I walked with some Swedish people that were on the same bus and they were really nice. After those two hours we went to a Rope-bridge called Carrick-A-Reed or something like that. I saw my roommate and her friends. We all laughed at the coincidence. And then we stopped at the dark Hedges.

On Tuesday I went to school again and in the evening we went to Diceys, I dressed up and had a few drinks. I saw him again. And we left quite early. It was a fun night though. I got home at 12.30 am. The morning after, not so fun. Only 3 hours of sleep and a massive stomach growling that didn’t go away till in the evening. Because lunch didn’t help. This was my last time at Diceys. But it was a great last time. On Thursday I didn’t go to any Museum at all. I just chilled at home. And then I went to school and chilled there. I went home in the evening because I was broke. But luckily my mom sent me money on Friday morning. Which meant I had enough money for the last few days. On Friday en morning we had school but in the afternoon I went to Phoenix Park. One of the biggest City-Parks in Europe btw. It was great, even though I was alone. I had a fun time. I rented a bike and drove around for 3 hours. The Park is famous for its deer. I even touched some deers. And it was a great feeling.


On Saturday was the last day in Dublin. And I saw him for the last time. I hadn’t seen him since that fun night. And I had to give him back the money from the Italian restaurant. Because apparently he had loaned me that money. Which I figured way later than I should have. And then we just walked and didn’t really talk. And then he hugged me and said Goodbye. Love is a strange thing. It does strange things with you. It gives you feelings that tear you apart. It makes you forget how to think with your mind and not with your heart. And sometimes your mind fights with your heart because it knows what would be right. It knows what would prevent your heart from breaking. But your heart is blind and deaf to what your mind is telling you. And in the end it gets broken anyway. It gets easier. It hurts even if there wasn’t anything going on. But expectations bring you down, they make you rise high and fall deep. But you have to let go. There’s an end to every story. In the break I got my Diploma for completing those 3 weeks and a Certificate on the level C1. So I’m near native speakers. And I really enjoyed it there. The time I spent in Dublin is a time I will never forget. And I’m sure I will go back there one Day. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is in Dublin. It’s with the people I met there. It’s all over the world. Especially in Spain. And I know you who I miss the most won’t ever read this but you made my time there a lot more experienced. And you who made me laugh, from Spain again, you won’t ever read this either. And my roommate Isa, I will remember you for all times, even if we had to use Google Translator to talk most of the time. In the evening of my last day there I went to a bar with Isa and some friends of hers, well they were my friends too, anyways we went to the Riverbar and I had my last Guinness. And we just had a good time and laughed and played a drinking game. And then we went to the bus station and said Goodbye. And hugged. How much we hugged. And what a damn great thing it is to have something that makes it so hard to say Goodbye. On the last ride home I tried to breathe it in. I tried to mesmerise the way and what it looked like. And all those houses and the people. And then hugging some more. Isa and I went home and I wrote on her Flag and she wrote into my notebook. I finished packing my suitcase, everything fell out of it so I had to pack again. My host-mom opened the door and asked what time I was leaving, so I told her. And the next morning I woke up at 6 am. Half of my clothes were in my backpack because I couldn’t put them into my suitcase. Then I ate some breakfast, drank a cuppa tea and my host mom made me coffee, we talked and she waited with me for my transfer that was picking me up at 8 am. And then the transfer came and I went.  And I looked out of the window the whole time. Saying goodbye to the place that had been my home for 3 weeks. It doesn’t sound like much time, I know. But 3 weeks are what it takes to create a habit and that’s true. I didn’t want to go. Because my heart had started to get attached to people and places. So I went out of the taxi. Then I had to wait for an hour at the baggage Check-In because I was there too early. After that: Security check. And they let men through first. Well whatever. Another hour waiting for the screens to show which Gate to go to. Then I went to the Gate and waited for the plane arrival and boarding time. And guess what, the plain was delayed. As if Ireland didn’t want me to go. And I didn’t want to leave it either. But every Story has an ending. So did this. The plane got there, I got my seat and back we flew. At home my mom and my sister were waiting for me. At the airport. With flowers and a “Welcome back” sign. They had missed me so much and I hadn’t really missed them but I was really happy to see them again. And it was great. Now I’m back again. In the place I love and call home but now I have two places that are home. And I miss my Dublin home and my Dublin friends, I would’ve liked to keep in touch. But I guess it’s better not to. So I won’t miss them that much. I’ll be able to keep my mind here and not there. But not yet. Anyways I won’t ever forget it. Never. Cause it’s a part of me, a part of my thoughts and my heart. Me missing it just means that I had a great time. And it’s okay to miss something. Or someone. It only means a beautiful time is over. And Peter Pan is right: To live is an awfully big adventure. To grow up is one as well. Even though if he doesn’t believe in it. I do and it’s an opinion. So is to love.

If you’ve read so far I congratulate you, It took me about half a day to write this. But I just had to fix this.

Love hard and Live. Goodnight or Good Morning. Whatever it is have it good.

Yours sincerely and deepest