When will I learn from it?

You used to be my everything,
You used to make me full,
You used to make me feel what now
Feels far away and there seems,
No end

I am thankful for what
You gave me.
I am thankful for our

I used to love you,
You knew I did,
I used to love you,
But that was my version of it
Not yours. Never was. Never will.

It’s been so much time,
And yet my heart didn’t stop,
I’m still alive
But am I really or am I not?

When will I finally see,
The past is gone,
The future is unknown,
And the now is now.

When will I accept,
We were never meant
To be together,
Never meant to love each other.

But deep inside
my heart will know,
It will finally heal,
One day hopefully.


How well do we know each other? Collab with Aspen

Dear Readers,
This is my first collab post ever and I am so glad to do it with the wonderful Aspen from Aspenakatheauthor she’s great. If you don’t follow her yet do it now. Since Aspen and I have been writing on Hangouts for a long time now, we thought that it might be time for a How well do we know each other? Post. She sent me 7 questions and I sent her 7 questions. Now I’ll try and answer her questions.
Aspen: What is my mom’s name?
Me: It’s Sandra, which is funny since it’s my mom’s name as well.
Aspen: What is our favorite game to play together? (Like you and me)
Me: Definitely the rant game. You showed me some time and I just love that game.
Aspen: Who is my best friend?
Me: Since I’ve heard from a few friends but one came up especially often I’m gonna go for Lauren.
Aspen: What is my religion?
It’s Mormon. Or that’s what I’d remember anyway.
Aspen: What is something I’m scared of?
Me: That one is tricky and since I don’t really know I’m just gonna guess getting killed in your sleep. Which is why you sometimes sleep facing the door.
Aspen: What is something that I think is beautiful?
Me: The stars, thunderstorms and rain.
Aspen:  When we meet, where’s one place I said I would take you?
Me: That one is kinda tricky as well. But I’d go for a trip to bear lake. And a starry night. 
Aspen: Extra question. What is my eye color?
Me: I’d say they’re pretty dark at night but in the sun they seem to shine with a certain glow.

That’s it. For now. I hope I haven’t done too bad. Well I tried my best so it’s gotta be enough.

Bye have a nice day, night or whatever

2nd Chapter of a Story

Dear Readers,

It’s been such a long time since I’ve written anything of my story. I promised you that there would be more of it. If you haven’t read the first part of it click the Link. Now you know which one. I hope you’re all doing great. And that you are happy. Let’s start with it.

All I remembered was Jason being at my house and saying he was sorry for doing what he had done to black me out. Then there was nothing but unconsciousness. That nice feeling of sleeping. Without dreaming. I wanted to sit up but as I tried to, everything hurt. Where the hell was I? I was confused, angry and ,weirdly, kinda curious. I tried to sit up again. First I felt dizzy but I managed to do it though. Suddenly there was a noise coming from the door. A lock was turned around. The door opened. There was a women standing there, maybe in her late thirties, smiling at me in a sympathetic way. But something about her was strange. ” So, you finally woke up. That’s good. We already thought Jason had performed it too strong. ‘ she said. All I could do was nod.” How are you feeling?”, she asked. “My head hurts and I’m dizzy.” “It’ll pass, it’s all normal in the beginning” she replied. “Where am I?” I had to know it. Not that anyone cared but I had to be sure I could contol it. And that I was save. ” Oh don’t worry you’ll know that very soon. Now stand up and follow me.”, she said in a voice that told me if I didn’t do as she wanted I’d be in deep trouble. I didn’t stand up though. The expression on her face told me that she didn’t like that. Why should I trust her. I didn’t know her. I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t know anything at all.” Now listen to me carefully. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. You choose. But I tell you now that if you choose the hard version of it you’ll regret it every day of your following life.”, she whispered. Oh no, I wasn’t giving up so easily. Not me. I’d rather kill myself than to do what she wanted me to. She couldn’t force me. No one could. But what I didn’t know that moment back then. They could. I remained calm on the bed.
” Now!” , she screamed at me.” You chose. But I promise you that you will regret that decision.” At first nothing happened. And I already thought she had just been talking. Next moment three men came and took me. I tried to get out of their grasps. But as hard as I tried I couldn’t free myself. Then I felt a stinging pain in my arm. Everything began to turn around and I felt myself being pulled back into that wonderful, black nothingness. As I woke up again the first thing I saw was a white ceiling. I wanted to move but I couldn’t. That was when I realized I was strapped to a table at my feet, my wrists and my neck.
Everything hurt. And it felt like there was a fire burning me. I scanned the room I was in. It looked like some labour or a doctors office. Everything was white and sterile. ” Good, you’re awake” a voice I could recognize from the bitch that had called these men. “You can cooperate with us or you can continue the program. I just tell you that the program will include much pain. More pain than your feelings now. If you do cooperate you’d make it much easier. For yourself and for us.” I didn’t know what to say. This sounded like my favourite books and movies together. With the exception that there was always a known ending. And now I didn’t know anything. I could be stubborn and keep doing what I wanted. Or I could give up and do what they told me. But I’d rather have killed myself than giving up. So I went for the first one. What I didn’t know back then, there were things far worse than death. I took a deep breath and said : ” I’d never cooperate with you. Rather would I die than to give up.” I had to admit that I was scared. Just a little bit. But I’d welcome my fate with a smile. That was better than a scared little girl. ” So you’ve made your choice. A rather stupid one if you’d ask me but you had the choice,” she turned away and said to someone else in the room,” contiInue the program.” I had thought I’d get away from that table. But how dumb could a stubborn 17 year-old be. Especially one that didn’t know them. It started with another injection. That wasn’t painful. But the aftermath of it was. It started that I couldn’t breathe. I was feeling my arms and legs go numb. The fire was there again. And it was worse than before. If that was even possible. Tears were streaming. Pain started to sink in. It was getting to the point where I was losing consciousness again. And for a few minutes I was stuck between unbearable pain and feeling nothing at all. Then was out cold. When I woke up again I was in my cell. I didn’t even dare to stand up. I heard the sound of a turning lock. A 100 percent aware that this could mean more pain. But I couldn’t fight them, that was what I knew. The door opened and the face I saw was nothing different than that beautiful smile of Jason. In a way his face was the only one I wanted to see. However he was the one who had brought me here in the first place. Wherever here was. ” Hey, I’ve got you something to eat. You need it. To get through the program.” He really dared to say that. ” Why would I trust you who got me in here? You could easily give me poison in that food and kill me.” You know that I wouldn’t do that Ashley and I am disappointed by you thinking these things.” Oh yeah. Why would I think such things of you. Lemme guess, maybe because you blacked me out, got me into that damn place and asked me why I was angry!” I was now shouting. As much as possible at least.” See, I didn’t want you to experience this. They left me no choice. I had to. But I tell you one thing. If you weren’t that stubborn it wouldn’t hurt that much. I know you don’t want give up and that’s strong. But this is going nowhere.”

So I hope you enjoyed that one. See you soon. Bye. Have a nice day, night or whatever.

Ps:  let me know in the comments if you want more.

100 followers and a Q&A


Dear Readers,


Maybe that was a bit stupid, I know. But I really don’t care. Because right now I am happy. I’d love to thank all of you each and hug you but since we’re on that funny planet called blogosphere in the Galaxy called Internet, I can’t. But consider yourself as hugged and possibly kissed as you’re reading this. You are so important to me and I wanted to show you how much you matter. I really wouldn’t know what to do without you. My first follower was Shay she showed me what it meant to be on the blogosphere in the first place. She’s got an awesome blog and is awesome herself. And Shay, if you read this you should know that I am not lying. My hundredth follower was Dice he made me jump and freak out, running around in my room and squeaking because he gave me my pre-first-blogversary present. In between I want to thank Aspen because she’s just great. She’s the funniest person to talk to and well she’s a good person. A really good person. She helped me so much without even wanting something in return. Thank you Aspen. Let’s move on to a different subject. Soon mycrazyobsessionwithbooksandenglish16 will be 1 year old. Believe it or not one year can go by soo fast. Well it’s not yet one year. But almost. You are all great. You helped me through shitty times and told me it would get better. You encouraged me to keep blogging and to keep writing. Thank you. To celebrate this I will  do a Q&A. But I need you to help me. I’ve never done this before and I have no Idea how to do it. Could you please help me with the in the comments? I’d be very thankful. I give you something in advance which is that you may ask any Question except too personal Questions like Home, Name, Address, you know stuff like that. There is no specified subject in this Q&A so ask what you want to know. I guess that’s all for today. And hopefully I will write a review soon so stay tuned for that. I may post some of my poems. Or I may write a Life Update. Let me know what you’d rather want from me. I hope you are all doing wonderful.

Bye I guess

PS: Just that you know THANK YOU !

PPS: Just that you know I’m randomly filling that post because I don’t want to stop it!

PPPS: That doesn’t even exist. Bye for real this time.