The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck – Or how to stop giving too many fucks.

Dear Readers,

I usually don’t read self-help books. I always think that they are too preachy, too positive, too unrealistic. But this was different. Something that gave me exactly what I needed that moment. Before I start this I want to give a big shoutout to Chaz whose blog I stumbled upon by coincidence. I thought to myself, this guy seems interesting so I’ll contact him. He told me about this book he was reading and convinced me.  So I bought this book and here I am writing a review. Thanks for telling me about it, Chaz! This is going to be another sort of review, you may like it, you may not. But I’ll still try it out. Because a special book deserves a special review. So let’s jump right in.

What the hell is this? You need to change? Seems impossible at first, but hell we all do. We live in a society that forces entitlement upon us. We feel entitled to give way too many f*cks about things that don’t matter. But then again, where does this come from?

Star blogger, Mark Manson, explains it with examples from our daily lives. What is going on in our heads? We’re asking ourselves more than not. Starting off with the Feedback Loop from Hell going to the Importance of problems and failure, ending with the Importance of our mortality, which can be a reminder (ironically) why we should live. But now, what is the Feedback Loop from Hell? Every day we see people on TV or Facebook or Instagram or whatever social media you’re using, living their happy, perfect lives. We see them every day and we realize we’re not happy all the time. That’s when the feedback Loop from Hell kicks in. You’re getting upset at the fact that you aren’t as happy as everybody is. But then you’re getting upset about being upset and (help!) you feel lost. We all know it, the feeling of freaking out. But freaking out isn’t helping us. Realizing that those shitty days are part of life, is. It’s really hard because everyone is having an awesome time and you see it, feeling miserable. Manson says: The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.” Now, what does that mean? It simply means that the less we invest in something the more we’ll achieve. It means the harder we try the less it will actually work. It may not make sense to you right away but think about it. For example, we’re trying to figure out how to be happy. Thinking about it the whole time, giving a fuck. But we’d actually be happier if we’d just live. And then see what happens. Because if we keep on thinking about it, we won’t have time to actually do something. Or let’s say you want to write a book, but you keep on thinking about how you can do it, you will waste your time thinking about something and not actually doing it. We should allow ourselves to suffer and be hurt. Because this is this beautiful part of life called improving.

There’s something especially Millenials have to deal with every day. And that is Entitlement. Now, what is Entitlement? We believe we deserve special treatment because we believe ourselves to be special. We believe ourselves to be better than anybody else, so we deserve special treatment. We feel entitled to deserve things. Growing up in our society today means being entitled. We were raised thinking we could have anything in this world only because we wanted it. But then we came into the real world and realized that we couldn’t. And that’s not what we expected. Not at all. But we’ve gotta deal with that. We’ve gotta realize that we are not special, but we can still live a good life. Because this helps us figure out what to give a f*ck about and what not. It helps us figure out what is really important in our lives. There’s a quote that I was reminded of when I read this book.

” We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.” (Tyler Durden, Fight Club, 1999)

Especially the part about learning that we won’t. Because that’s exactly what Manson says too. Being entitled may make us think we deserve to achieve greatness in everything we do, but it doesn’t make us happy. At least not in a real, meaningful way. In order to achieve happiness, we have to acknowledge our mistakes and problems. Because through acknowledging them we can improve ourselves. We know where to work on ourselves. The other option is staying entitled, but this won’t solve anything. It will only delay dealing with the problems. But they will eventually come back to the surface. Leaving you again with the choice of dealing or ignoring. This brings me to the next point.

Taking Responsibility for your actions

We are responsible for everything that happens to us. That’s what I understand when I hear people say you are responsible for everything that happens to you. And in a way, it makes me angry. Makes me scream, how am I responsible for having problems with my motor skills, how was I responsible for being bullied when I was a kid, how am I responsible for people leaving. But when I read on, I understood that it’s not the action itself but how we deal with it. We are responsible for our own misery after a breakup. Now, that might seem as if I’m a nonfeeling monster. But I’m not, I’m a human being just like you. Being responsible simply means we always have a choice. We might not have the power to control what happens to us, but we are in control of how we deal with it. It’s about choosing your values and metrics by which you judge actions and situations. We are responsible for our emotions. We have got the choice, make others responsible for our problems and never receive validation from them or be responsible ourselves and improving our lives. Which is simple but not easy. There’s a difference in what is simple and what is easy. It’s simple to say that we have to take the choice, actually taking it, however, is not easy. But that doesn’t mean it’s the worst thing to do. Same with when something is easy, it might not be the best thing to do either. This is individual for every situation. And I’m not polarising when I’m saying this. It’s important to me to make this clear.

Failure, Travel and (gasp) your Mortality

Travelling is something that I have been wanting to do for quite some time. My Wanderlust getting bigger every day. And I believe I’ve mentioned it a few times on here. What does this have to do with failure and mortality? The fear of failure is something that paralyzes us. It keeps us from improving ourselves. We’d rather stay in the same safe environment than dare doing something that is new to us and may take away our success, may take away our perspectives and change them. Change is always scary so we tend to settle for the safe version. But is the safety of certainty really better than the unknown that might improve ourselves and give us something even better? I’m not quite sure. Manson says that we should dare to do it. And that we should accept failure, not avoid it. It’s part of life. What does travel have to do with all of this? Well, it’s a lot about self-development. The freedom that is achieved through travelling is not everlasting. We tend to think freedom is only found out there and that it’s about not having to commit to one thing only. But Manson says that there is freedom in commitment itself. If you go from place to place and never commit to anything you might make a lot of experiences but you might miss others. You might see a lot of things if you’re travelling the world all the time, running from commitment. But you’ll never know what it’s like to have something constant. A constant partner, a constant place to call home. Commitment doesn’t have to mean missing out on all those opportunities. It means choosing what opinions to take and which ones to miss out on. Our consumeristic society makes it hard to do so, but we still have the choice. Now, what does your mortality have to do with all of this?

You are going to die

Scary thought, isn’t it? You are going to die, but so am I and so is everyone. That’s nothing new. We already knew that. Now, why is your death important for your life? Two opposites yet close to each other. In a weird way, death gives meaning to our lives. Because without it there is no reason to live for. Nothing would matter. With death, however, we know that our time is limited and there’s meaning. We are scared of being forgotten, which is why we do things that make people remember. Manson refers to a man called Ernest Becker who said that “{…} all the meaning in our life is shaped by this innate desire to never truly die.” He calls this “Immortality project” it means that we don’t want our second selves to die. We want to make them happen, but we don’t always succeed. Those projects are nothing but distractions from our fear of death. Becker realized that those projects don’t help us, they are only a form of distraction, denial. Instead, we should accept our fate. The inevitable fact that we are going to die. Manson explains:” {…} we can then choose our values more freely, unrestrained by the illogical quest for immortality, and freed from dogmatic views.” It can be scary to think about death, especially if you think about what happens after you’re gone. Will you have made an impact, will the world even notice? And that is a question we’ll never know the answer to. That’s scaring the hell out of us. The only thing we know for certain is that we’re gonna die. And that’s what we should build our lives around. Wanting to make an impact, we ask ourselves, how? Manson suggests that we start caring about other things than ourselves. That helps to get away from the entitlement. Because entitlement is isolating us from the world. Society doesn’t really help there. It makes us think we’re only great if we achieve being famous. But that is not true. He says: “You already are great because, in the face of endless confusion and certain death, you continue to choose what to give a fuck about and what not.” That is what makes you successful. You succeed to continue to live. And that’s already pretty damn great. So always remind yourself of that fact. Of that inevitability of your own death. Because if you can accept your mortality, you can deal with entitlement and failure. Maybe even easily. Because at that point, you realize everything comes together. And then you can live without being afraid to die. Even though you know that you are going to die. Awesome, isn’t it?

This book blew my mind. It made me realize a lot of things that I hadn’t before. And it made me rethink my own values. It helped me understand a few things about myself that I had been having trouble with. It helped me to see that I was understood. And I do not regret buying this book. I’m not saying that all of my problems are solved after reading this book, that’s impossible and unrealistic. And there’s a long way I will have to go to figure certain things out. But now I at least know how to deal with my problems in a better way. And it was a really interesting journey of self-discovery. Now I am reminded to doubt myself and my thoughts. It made me question myself. And I am glad I did. This book is really interesting even if you are not looking for a self-help book but want to educate yourself psychologically.

Now thanks again to you, Chaz, for telling me about it. I really enjoyed writing this blog post. I hope you are all doing great.

Goodnight, morning or whatever time it is, wherever you’re reading this from. Live.

Yours Gioia 🙂




Trip to Germany: Old faces and new stories

Dear Readers,
Remember when I told you I’d go on a trip to Germany and maybe do a post on it? Well, that time is now. And as I’m writing these lines, I’m reflecting on this past journey.
Thursday 12th April 2018
4:00 AM. My alarm woke me and weirdly I wasn’t tired at all. The excitement of travelling gave me a rush. I woke my dad so we could start driving. At 5:00 AM we were on the road. After 2 hours we crossed the border. Suddenly the rush disappeared. I slept for the next 2 hours as the landscapes were moving past us.
P1070312Coffee and caesar sandwich. Driving. Sleeping. After 8 hours of being in the car, we finally arrived. Unpacking. Talking to my grandmother I hadn’t seen in 3 years. Asking her questions about my great-great-grandmother. The main reason for the talk. The story I’m writing. But I learned so much more. I heard stories of travels they made when they were young and things I already knew but now could look at in a different perspective. After a lot of talking, I took my camera. The garden in all its beauty made me think. And the thinking didn’t stop. After some time to myself in the garden, I realized how calm and peaceful it was. Nothing but silence. No phone, no social media, no emails to check, no stress. Just the garden. And it felt like a break for the soul. I realised that I’ve become dependent on my phone, as many of us tend to these days. So I decided not to use it as much. At least for a while.

Wasbüttel b. Gifhorn, Germany

After that, I went inside. Dinner was just what I needed. I don’t quite remember what we did that night, but it wasn’t really spectacular. Just sitting there and talking about the following day and when the others would come. Since it had been a long day I went to bed early. At least for my sleeping habits, 11 is early. Especially since I haven’t really managed to go to bed before 1 AM lately.

Friday 13th April 2018
After eating breakfast I made an interview, to get more details about those ancestors of mine. Which really helped with my story, because now I know that part of those ancestors lived in Rosendale, New York. And luckily there were still pictures of those family members. Sadly my photography skills are really bad. Which is why you won’t see good versions of the pictures, but still, it’s great to have pictures from the 19th and early 20ieth century. I really enjoyed looking at those mementoes of the past.

House in Rosendale, New York

Especially since it feels unbelievable that those people in the pictures are part of me.

Henriette and her sisters (Ancestors)

Ever since I’ve started researching this subject, I’ve been captured by it. By talking and asking questions, by just listening and being persistent I got more information that I thought I would’ve. I’ve learned things about my family I didn’t know before. For example, that my great-great-grandfather served as Uhlan, which was a very high position in Military. Or that my grandparents used to do spontaneous trips to places like Island. And that they liked travelling. After Lunch, the first guests arrived. Uncles and aunts I hadn’t seen in years. Only vast memories, basically strangers. But familiar strangers. I’ve found this whole time very interesting because I got to meet them in a new way. The last time I had seen them I was very young and less mature. Not that I am completely mature now. But I understood things that would’ve been boring to me at a younger age. I was very happy to see them again. It was great talking about things we had missed. And I got to know a new side of my Uncle. Let’s just say each time your eyes are not on your glass of wine it’s full again. And let’s just say I had a fun time staying there till 2 AM with him and one of my aunts. Because those conversations were deeply interesting. I don’t quite remember what they were about either but they were expanding my horizon. At around 2 AM I found my way to my room and fell asleep quite fast. The only bad thing about going to bed late is having to wake up early the next day.
Saturday and Sunday 14th and 15th April 2018
So after a few hours of sleep, I ate breakfast. Later that day my favourite cousin came and it was amazing. I hadn’t seen her in 2 years. The day was full of celebrations because it was 65 years of marriage between my grandmother and my grandfather. There was a lot of cake. And I really enjoyed it. There was even a service for them. In the afternoon I went out into the garden again. And it looked as amazing as it had the day before. I just enjoyed taking some more pictures. P1070315There isn’t much to say about Saturday except that I stayed up till 2 AM again. And that I was talking a lot. I realized that not using my phone as much, was actually a relief. It felt great. Not having to stress about anyone or anything. But on the other

Spring has arrived

hand, it was exhausting. The family members. So many people. Asking what you’re doing with your life, wanting to know how you’ve been. “Is there anyone in your life, do you have a boyfriend?” Me answering:” Yeah, my life is going great. I’m writing a book. Yes, that’s right. I’ve been doing great. Well yeah, I’ve had some things going on. Didn’t work out though. Yeah I know I’m still young. Oh yeah, I’m gonna focus on school and stuff. Great. How’ve you been?” Yup,
P1070308that’s basically it. I like to talk about things but if there are too many people I feel exhausted. So many expressions to read. And hell, half of my family are sarcastic and ironic. But they’re kinda great. Enjoyable. On Sunday after a few hours of sleep, I went to breakfast and everybody was almost finished. Amazing. Well It was feast again, one of my uncles, he has Down Syndrome, had his 42 birthday. And we gave him lots of great presents. Like a huge Teddy bear and clothes, T-Shirts mostly. And a puzzle. He was so happy. And it made us all happy too. It was that lightness. That almost childlike mind that made me rethink how I look at certain things in life. But it also gave me a certain seriousness to things we don’t value enough. Such as being able to look after oneself. Because it’s not given. We take so many things for granted, and they’re not. It’s not granted that we’re able to conquer all those daily challenges without any help. It was a reminder that I should be thankful for all
P1070344 I’ve got. We all should. I really enjoyed that day too. In the afternoon we left for Hamburg. My godfather lives there. And I really wanted to go to Hamburg because of the Museum of Emigration. The drive there took about 2 and a half hours. Whenever I looked outside it almost looked the same. Alleys, trees, cars, and some more alleys. Then some sleep. Another road. Listening to the audiobook. Crime. Best thing if you need P1070352some sleep. Another alley. Never ending. I have so many pictures I want to show you but not enough words to describe them. And you might get bored. To lighten this whole thing up a bit I’m just gonna skim through the travel and put in a few pictures later. While I was on that ride, I thought about how good it felt to see different parts of the country. And also different parts of the world. I could feed my Wanderlust, nurture that dream of mine. But I fell asleep some of the times. So I didn’t see everything. But I took a few snapshots with my camera out of the car. They’re not quite good but I still enjoyed taking them. As the afternoon approached we finally got there. And it was as amazing as I had thought it to be. THE HAVEN. It was such an impressive view. It was huge. And as I looked at it, I felt like I was looking at a giant piece of Art. I really enjoyed it. It was amazing. And as we drove through the city I came across this beautiful Park and I just had to take a picture of it. It enchanted me with its beauty.
P1070359Especially the way spring changes everything. It changes your perspective, gives you flowers. The sun comes out again once or twice. It’s beautiful. I actually took another picture that is completely different: the Elbtunnel. It’s pretty dark and not good quality but I was under a river. So that’s not bad. It feels kinda creepy because you can never be 100 percent sure that it’s safe. Definitely worth the risk though. Especially since there is a good constructionP1070357. The picture is really bad, I know, sorry guys. Never mind. In the evening we ate in a Tibetan Restaurant and the duck was delicious. I like ducks. Then we went to bed at my godfathers’ and I fell asleep at about 12:30 AM. It had been a long day. Especially the weekend that had been full of people and talking that I was really tired. So after checking social media, after 3 days of nothing. I fell asleep.

Monday 16th April 2018
After a night of some bad sleep, I went to the museum of Emigration called Ballinstadt, Hamburg. It was really interesting to hear about all those stories. People who had to leave their homes because of their beliefs, ethnicity and other reasons. The most shocking thing was that some of those reasons are still there today, it’s like history repeats itself all over again. Of course today it’s different. We’ve got better technology and are more advanced in knowledge. But that also means that our problems are more advanced, yet they’re just an improvisation of the old ones. The first Hall was about the background story of this whole institution. It was about Albert Ballin who came up with the idea of taking passengers in cargo ships to increase the income from the passages. P1070356

That was a revolutionary invention for the process. He then started working with the Hapag Lloyd. They expanded the project and made the first luxurious cruise. This project lasted until 1918 when Albert Ballin killed himself because of losing the 1 WW. He knew this was the death of his company. Well anyways, this was what the first hall was about. And some background details about what it looked like. In the 2nd hall, the awesomeness started. A map of the world and a live count of the people being born and how many people are there in this world. Then the journey started. The whole exhibition was a walkthrough of a journey that usually took months. And was hard and arduous. But with that exhibition, I had the possibility to experience it in 3 and a half hours. In a safe and comfortable yet informative way. This experience was very helpful. Especially for my project. Since it gave me the information I needed. As I went through the room with the push and pull factors I was fascinated by the stories that were written
on the walls. Stories of dreams, stories of hopes, stories of 20180416_154739desperation and many more. Then you went into a literal ship, in which they talked about what it felt like to be treated as cargo. There was a lot of desperation and hope. When they got to America, only the healthy ones were allowed to immigrate. The other ones were either tended there or sent back. In the third exhibition hall, we could discover our past with the help of It’s free there and you can pretend to be a genealogist. You can try and find your ancestors and you might even get in contact with them. This was an amazing opportunity to find out where I really come from and who I really am. Maybe my obsession with English comes from my great-great-grandmother. Maybe it’s just a part of who I am. I am not quite sure. But I guess that’s not really what I’m trying to say at all. Long story short it was really P1070373interesting and amazing. And after that, we went to one of my aunts. On the way out of the city, I thought why not take pictures. So I took a few snapshots. They’re all out of the car so don’t expect too much. I hope it’s not too bad though. I think Hamburg is a beautiful city. From what I’ve seen. Which wasn’t nearly as much as I wanted to. But enough for knowing that I absolutely love it. Its buildings, the river, the trees and parks. I could go on and on about this. But you’d probably fall asleep. I don’t wanna bore you to death. I just think this was a really great trip. Because I had time to reflect on certain things. Which really helped me.

The Elbe

On the way out it started raining heavily. And next thing I knew we were at a completely different place. On the way home. Except we weren’t on our way home but to my aunt that has basically a zoo in her Garden. Dogs and cats, even a tame goose. As well as chickens, Quails and rabbits. Many things to see. But to be honest I was glad when we left on the next day. All I wanted was to go home. Talk with friends, enjoy times together. Spend fun days in the city and just be. I was done with staying at places only 1 day. Either real or not at all. It takes more than half a day to explore Hamburg, it takes more than one afternoon and a night to explore a city.
Tuesday and Wednesday, 17th  and 18th April 2018
Funny thing the next day we were in another city. But even though we stayed such a short time, it was very enjoyable. And I did enjoy it very much. Göttingen is a University city (not sure if that’s the right term). It’s very pretty and idyllic. We went to a Greek Restaurant where the food was delicious. The people we stayed with were another aunt and her husband. He’s a biker and told me about this amazing thing they have in the Netherlands to make people use fewer cars. There are houses that give bikers or hikers a bed for the night for about 30 Euros. Which is not much if you consider it. But only for bikers or hikers. Breakfast inclusive. And I thought this was an amazing opportunity to travel in an inexpensive way. Maybe I’ll do it one day. Who knows.

P1070363I’ll figure it out. It was a very interesting evening. And at the end of the day, it was 2 AM and a very hot room. The next morning I woke up with the sudden need for a coffee. Then we left for home. It was time to say goodbye to old friends and family. Time to get back to daily life. Time to leave this part of life. With 29 Celsius and an old VW Bus. Not a good working air conditioner. Sweat. Food at the next gas station. Coffee, Wiener Schnitzel and fries. I know it sounds gross but it isn’t. Believe me. Sun. Hot weather. No clouds. Sleeping again. Making a short visit to some other acquaintances. Pizza and salad. Cake for dessert. 2 hours after the actual lunch. But one can’t say no to nice people who ask you if you want some food and answer their own question. 🙂 But it was really good. Then we finally went home to Switzerland. Hey back.
I really learned a lot about myself on this trip. Even though it was a short one. I realized I shouldn’t use my phone as much because it takes away many hours of a day you could’ve spent doing something far more interesting. Although I’m not saying that I don’t have my favourite series on Netflix or Words with Friends on Facebook. But all I’m saying is that I’m gonna try.

Now congratulations if you’ve made it all the way here. I hope you’re all doing great and enjoy life as much as possible. I hope you’re following your dreams and loving yourselves. And having fun of course. Good morning, Night, Afternoon or whatever time it is at yours right now.

Yours truly and Wanderlusty


Adventures, Life and Questions

Dear Readers,
I didn’t post on Thursday because of things I had to get done. And then, on Friday, the family dog died. And I really didn’t feel like writing a blog post then. Our dog was 16 years old, which is really old for a Golden Retriever, and I knew it would happen sometime but I was still really sad. Now I can write. Updates on the story are that I’m kind of having concentration problems. And I wanna work on it but I keep getting distracted. I should probably try and just do it. But it’s not that easy. Or maybe it is and I should just get my stuff together. In two days I’m leaving for a trip to Germany. First I’ll go to a family feast and hopefully see loads of cousins and stuff. Then I’ll go to Hamburg. Visiting Ballinstadt, the Museum of Emigration in Hamburg. Hopefully, I’ll see a little more of the city than that. I wanna take pictures and maybe do a post on it. I’m not sure yet. We’ll see. My mind is kind of blank right now. Not a lot has changed since the last post. I’m still having Wanderlust and it’s getting stronger every day. I hear of all these people that are travelling, having the time of their lives and exploring the world. And I want that too. I just don’t have the time or money. I’d have to get a job first. That’s not foreseeable any time soon. Because I haven’t even finished high school yet. And that binds me to this place. I love living in Switzerland, don’t get me wrong. It’s beautiful and I feel privileged to live here. I just wanna see other places. Cultures of other countries fascinate me. It seems like there’s this whole world out there, waiting to be explored. Yet I’m staying at the place I’ve known my whole life. But I guess if it’s waiting now, it’ll still be there waiting in a year or two. The only thing I need is patience. And the power to dream on. Living in a world full of people who tell you, dreams are nothing more than childish thoughts in one’s head. I believe we are destined to have dreams and follow them. Well most of them anyways. They still have to be reasonable to some extent. For example, another one of my dreams is getting my drivers license. Which would be pretty achievable. The only thing stopping me from doing so is, that I’m scared I won’t be able to drive because of my dyspraxia. You probably don’t know what that is so I’ll give you a short version. It’s basically that my motor skills suck, fine and gross motor skills. It’s also being able to focus on more than one task at a time that’s really hard. And it also takes longer to learn things. It’s not impossible it just takes more time. For example, when I was a little kid I didn’t have the reflex to put my arms in front of me when I fell down. So I always fell right on my face. But I learned it with determination and after some time I managed to do it. The same with tagging eggs. I used to do the movement out of my elbow and not like one should out the wrist. So I’d basically smash them. Now I can do it because I worked for it. Thing is, those are basic things. If I wanted to drive a car I’d have to focus on so many things at the same time and I can’t even do it when I’m not driving a car. Especially the movement of steering because it requires a lot of movement control. Which I certainly don’t have. At least not yet. But I’ve done quite some research and I’ve seen that it’s possible to drive a car with dyspraxia, it just takes a lot longer. And I’d have to have the determination. Which I would possibly have. Hopefully. Maybe I’m going to do it next year. Many of my friends have done it. And I can too, even if it would probably be an automatic car. I should embrace this possibility. I really should. And I’ve learned that it’s okay to ask for help if needed. But sometimes it makes me feel frustrated because there are some things others can do easily and I just need more time or struggle. And I know it’s stupid because other people have it so much worse. And I have it really good. I have my strengths too. Languages, talking, being an empath, writing and Philosophy. It’s just that sometimes, I tend to be rather hard on myself. And if I don’t succeed at something I try again. I know what my resources are and I try to work on them and with them, rather than focusing on my weaknesses. At least trying. And that’s important. Trying is my way of living. I live after the sentence: How do you know it’s not worth it if you’ve never tried? I believe if you haven’t tried you can’t say whether it’s good or bad for you. So at least try. What’s the worst that can happen? You fail. But is that really such a terrible thing? At least you’ll know that you’ve done something, you’ve tried. And I think that’s more important than failing or succeeding. It can be scary to try something. It could hurt you. But it could also make you really happy. Now the question is, do you want to take that risk? I definitely would. Because I don’t want to regret the choices I have made. And if there’s a choice to be made from which I know that it’s risky but I also know that I’d regret it if I didn’t make it, I definitely choose the risk. The worst thing that could happen would be getting hurt. And that’s scary. But you can recover from the pain. And you will. What you can’t recover from, however, are the choices you didn’t make. You’ll always be left wondering with the question of what would’ve been. And no one will ever answer that question. You’ll be left wondering. I’m always searching for adventures. Still, most of them happen in my head. Speaking of search, I’ve decided not to search for anyone. And I’ve decided to stop waiting. I will just live my life and if someone comes along I’ll take the chance. And I’ll be happy to share my life with someone new. And I’ll fall in love once again. And if I get hurt, I just will. And it I don’t, even better. I’ll just take life as it comes. That’s the best I can do.
Goodnight, Good morning, good afternoon or whatever time it is wherever you’re reading this from.
Have the time of your lives and Live. Love. Be respectful.

Just another sketch of a weird mind

I miss you
I don’t know why
but I do

My feelings can’t comprehend
My brain has stopped working long ago.
Don’t leave, I’m screaming
And yet I want you far away
Because you’re the one
The one that left to be remembered

And maybe I’m crazy
Maybe I’m weird
Maybe I feel too much
But maybe I’m just right

Right for someone out there
And definitely not for you
Right for someone out there
I know this must be true

I’m not your baby anymore,
I never was,
but still
I knew that I felt something
And I feel that I always will

I wish you nothing
but the best
A girl who can make you see
with your eyes closed.
A girl who can make you see

A girl that touches your soul
And mends your wounds
A girl that makes you smile.

And after all, I wish you happiness
Because that’s what you deserve.
And to myself, I wish that I’ll find
some happiness too

I know this isn’t one of the best poems I’ve ever written but I felt like writing this so I just got my thoughts and my messy head out into the world and now I’m sharing it with you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I wrote this to no one in particular yet some who mean the world to me. Some who will never want to be with me but that’s okay. Because they deserve someone who is right for them. And I wish them nothing but happiness and love. And I hope they’re well and healthy. I hope they live their lives just as I should live mine. Please just give me some time. Just a little bit. Maybe a month or two and I’ll be a different person. I already am. Every day we’re all changing. And that’s what life is about, I guess. But I’m happy with it because it just is.
And I hope next week I can give you something more detailed.
Have a good day, night, afternoon or whatever it is, wherever you’re reading this from.
Sincerely Yours,

Nothing at all and yet everything, all at once

Dear Readers,
Today I have no updates on my story, whatsoever. I’ve been editing the first 10 pages and soon someone will read it and give me back feedback on it. That’s what’s new about the story. Now, since I can’t give you an update of the story, I will do something else. I’ll try and reflect my feelings and sort my head out. As a few of you may know I can be quite confusing because I often jump between subjects. But you will get used to it, so don’t you dare worry. I think that life can be quite confusing itself, sometimes. Let’s be honest, most of the time. You walk on your path, day by day. And there’s always new twists, like in the plot of the last novel that you read. You never know where you’re going. You know that you are going and you might even know what direction you’re headed, but you never know exactly where you’re going. Maybe you tell others everyday that you know exactly what you’re doing. And you might even believe yourself. But at the end of the day, you have no idea. I have no idea. I’m living my life and some days it’s really an adventure, but then there are just some days where nothing unusual happens. It’s just a day like every other day. Nothing special. And that’s when I start to dream. I dream about having a far more adventurous life. I dream about going to the airport and just taking off. I dream about traveling all those interesting places, with its people and its culture. And I wonder, why shouldn’t I just take off? Why not just leave? For one thing it’s money and another very important factor is time. Both of which I don’t have enough to just leave. I’ve got to do what all the others do. Daily life business. And Jobs, school, friends. Laughing, smiling. Talking about the great times you’ve had. But buried deep beneath all that there is just a girl, not knowing how to deal with her feelings. But in her writing she knows. She knows what to do, or she knows what should be done. Her writing is her escape. Her pen is her vehicle that she can use to flee from her reality. But then again, what is reality. Is it what we see, feel, hear, smell or taste? Or is it what we perceive around us but also what we think to see and not really what we actually see? What is reality? Well I’d say, to some extent it’s subjective. I’m putting extra importance on the ‘to some extent part’ because it’d not always the same. And it wouldn’t be right if I said it was. So please know that what I am telling you is an opinion. Simply thoughts in my head. They are not meant to attack anyone with another perspective. I will accept your opinion and I hope you do mine. Thank you for your long attention-span. And congratulations if you’ve made it this far. Goodnight, Day, Afternoon or whatever time it is wherever you’re reading this.
Yours truly,

Wanderlust: A dream or reality to come true?

Dear Readers,
I want to discover the world. I want to travel. I want to explore new things and meet new people. I want to live different cultures and there are so many things I want right now. But it won’t come true. At least not for the next year. I have no Job, no monthly money income, no work experience. And no time for a job, or travels. I’m in my second last year of High School. There’s exams to be written and projects to be made. But I wanna travel. And I’ve already picked out a route. The question is, will I actually do this? Can I wait a year? Do I have the courage to do what I want, after this year? Answer: I have no idea, whatsoever. A certain “MAYBE”. Screaming at me, laughing at me. Some days I think, I’m totally gonna do it. And then other days I have to rethink it. I’m being far from realistic. No one knows what will be in a year. No one knows what will change. IF things go as planned, which they basically never do in life, a year from know I’ll have my last exams and it will be the last few months in school. Then I’ll hopefully start University. And study English lit, Philosophy and Psychology. But before that I’ll go travel. For maybe about 2 months before Uni starts. But then again. That’s my dream future. In fact I don’t even know if I’ll stay home or leave. I’ll be 20 next year. Now I’m still 18 but in May I’ll be 19 years old. Weird age. It’s nothing special. But who knows what things happen when you’re 19. Maybe I’ll meet the love of my life, maybe I won’t. There’s so many maybes. But I guess that’s okay. No one can answer the questions about your future. No one will ever know, until you experience it yourself. Not knowing what’s gonna happen is weird. Scary even. But you know that you’ll be okay somehow. Because there’s always people that share your path. Then they might leave it for some time. And maybe your paths will cross again. Be open for anything. Because if you close yourself off, it’s not gonna help you. In no way. Let people be persistent. At least sometimes. They can help you and be there for you if and when you need them. This support system is important. Friends. There are friends everywhere. You just have to talk. And interact with them. Meeting new people can be scary, at first. But consider this, they are just as afraid as you are. And if you talk to them they’ll be so thankful. Because maybe they wanted to talk to you, but they couldn’t get over their fear of what you might think. Now in life there are many situations you’re not sure what to think about it, so just accept it instead of asking why. Why do we exist? How did the world become what it is today? What is the reason? No one can answer these questions. And no one ever will. Maybe we’ll know when we’re long gone, we will answer it and the journey will be finished. But know we’re right at the beginning and in this life there is no answer. But that’s something that has to be accepted. This way we can make peace with it. Maybe there are just some secrets meant to be left hidden. And maybe our purpose is to all that out. But we’ve always got at least one choice. In that case, we can either choose to accept things or we don’t. Either way, it’s our choice. Our responsibility. Now I’ve completely lost myself in this subject and I don’t know where or who I am anymore. But then again, can we even answer this question? I don’t know. I guess we’re all kinda lost in different ways. And we’re all trying to find ourselves. These are simply thoughts and assumptions. I am in no way saying that this is the truth. Because I simply don’t know. But as I said, maybe. Just be yourself. You’re great that way. And try to be open for change. Places, countries and many more travel related keywords.
I know that this post must’ve been a bit confusing to you. I was reflecting my inner life and my emotion in my post. And since I’ve been confused you will be too, after reading this.
I hope you have a goodnight, Day, afternoon or whatever it is at yours.
Yours truly,

3 new pages of the 1st Chapter

Dear Readers,
I know it’s late for my Thursday post but I have been working on the story. I have been kissed by the muse. Please comment and feel free to give me any constructive feedback on anything you might see a problem in. So here we go:

Because being 20 didn’t mean feeling it. My best friend had been standing next to me the whole time. Watching me walk back and forth and freaking out. “You’re okay. Considering the situation, you’re more than okay. If I had to walk in your shoes, I wouldn’t last an hour without completely freaking out. And you’re right, it’s not enough time. Not nearly. But we’ll figure something out. I’m sure we will.” But I knew that, even if I wanted to believe it so badly, I’d have to leave. There was no way I could stay. I’d have to accept the decision eventually. No one knew that deep inside I already had. And no one would, for quite some time. The wind was howling viciously. It was already getting dark. “We will. Thanks for listening to me. And even though I’d love to talk longer I’ve got to go. They’re waiting for me. And if I don’t get work done, I’ll lose my Job. If that happens I’ll be screwed. Then they’ll just send me off earlier.” I didn’t remember when the last time was, I had used work to get out of a talk with my best friend. “Fine. I get it. I really do. Just think about it. And if you need me I’ll be here for you. Wherever you go, and whatever amazing things you’ll do, I’ll be your friend and I’ll be so proud of you. See you soon. Bye” And now I was alone again. The darkness was now complete. But a few stars were shining brightly, and the moon came up. As I was walking, all the roads that I’d known and walked since my childhood, suddenly seemed new and unknown. It felt like walking into the future, not knowing what to expect. Not knowing if I’d ever come back home. Not knowing who to trust, I felt lost. Lost and scared. But I had to keep it together, I had to control my fears and not be controlled by them. As I picked up speed, it became clear what I was running from. And it was absolutely ridiculous. Because it was a completely hopeless situation. I was running from my fears, and especially from the future. But some things just couldn’t be outrun. Some things, I knew, you had to face, to be free from them. The haunting thoughts, the feeling of being lost, lonely and unloved. Sometimes you had to realize that the fears were no actual dangers, but your brain couldn’t comprehend it. And you felt overwhelmed. Soon I could see my home from the distance. So I kept running till I was there. The house was a warming light in my soul, something I knew. And yet, I’d leave it behind. As I opened the door, the creaking sound I heard brought a smile to my face. My parents were in the kitchen, making dinner. I didn’t feel like talking to them, as I was still quite angry. Even though I had cooled down enough not to be snappy, I still was in a bad mood. A pensive state. But then I decided to ignore it. I knew it was childish and would get me nowhere, but I’d feel better for some time and I could enjoy some time outside my head. “Hey mom, dad. I’m back, can we just not talk about it? For just some time, maybe a month or so. Just give me time to adjust. Please. Because apparently, I’m not ready yet. And I’d appreciate it, if you understood.” Wow that felt weird. Inside my anger was brewing, there was a storm coming everybody’s way. And if it went out, it’d destroy everything. But the time wasn’t right, so I’d keep back with it, for now. My dad just nodded his head, sighed and it wasn’t talked about. It was gone, for now. The fear and the pain vanished, for now. All those ‘for now’s’ made me fear, what would come after. “Today it was terribly windy, wasn’t it?” my mother said. We started with the weather, then we went to the work topic. After that, we pretty much had it. Deep enough for small talk but not for anything else. That was fine by me. As long as it didn’t turn to a discussion about future concerns, everything was good. I didn’t even know what it was, what made me freak about that sort of stuff. I helped do the dishes and we talked about memories. My mother and I. She remembered me liking the English language and having an affinity for it.

And she had bought me a book, the 5th edition of “Englisches Lesebuch” by Professor Dr. Luebeding. It was amazing, full of stories written by famous English writers like Dickens or Shakespeare. And I felt sorry for her. She was trying everything to make me feel better and prepare me for life and I didn’t thank her for it, not once. Well she hadn’t had much time when I was a kid because we were so many. And she had to take care of all of us. Dad had tons of work. And he was always somewhere else. “Mom, why is it so hard to grow up? Why am I so scared of leaving? I’ve got so many questions and I feel so lonely and helpless. Can you answer these questions, or at least help me to understand?” I just had to know, I had to understand. And she looked at me, for a very long time. Then she said: “I can’t answer these questions for you, for they are part of growing up itself. But I can tell you something, whatever is out there, whoever you might meet, no matter what happens, be yourself. Don’t change for anyone. Be your amazing, smart, beautiful, open self. You can’t do anything wrong with that. And don’t go too easy on guys. They might just want to use you. But you’re worth more than that. And your father and I really do want the best for you. It’s not like we won’t miss you. But sometimes in life, you’re going to have to make a decision. It might not feel good right now, but you’ll see that there will be times when you’ll be thankful for that decision.” And as she stood there, talking, all about what life was like. I started crying like a baby. At least I wanted to. But I held back my tears and I picked myself up from the ground. What she said hit me like a slap in the face. I was confused, for on one hand I understood what she was saying, but on the other hand I was hurt, hurt by the fact that they were sending me away. “Thanks for the talk, mom. I’ve got to work early tomorrow, so I’m going to get some sleep. It’s late already and I can’t risk any mistakes with this client, she wants everything awfully neat. And God help me if there is one wrinkle in her favourite bedsheet. It’s not like she’d use it the same night to sleep on anyways. She’s just enjoying it, making other people feel small. Anyways, she’s a good-paying client. And I’ve got her in first thing tomorrow. So, goodnight” My mother smiled and nodded: “I know her, she can be quite nerve- wracking. Go get your sleep. Goodnight, honey”. So, I went upstairs, brushed my teeth and lied down on the bed. I read a little in the new book till I was tired enough to put it down. The candle had almost burned down completely. As it was burning down I watched its flames, playful yet dangerous if you came too near. My thoughts were traveling. Finally, the flame extinguished by itself. Now it was really dark, the best conditions for sleeping. But I couldn’t sleep. Too many thoughts circling around in my head, always moving, never stopping. Today, a lot had happened. And it was hard to process all those thoughts at the same time. I already saw my head exploding into thousands of little pieces. All spreading into every direction and getting smaller all the time. Thinking was exhausting. After 2 hours of thinking I fell into a thick, dreamless sleep. My alarm clock rang the next morning. It was 5:30 AM. The way to work was long, so I had to get up early. The moment I woke up I felt quite good. It was one of those moments you only have between sleeping and awake. Those moments when your mind was blank. No worries, no sadness, it just felt like everything was fine. But it wasn’t. And it would come back eventually, till then I just enjoyed that feeling. I dressed myself, washed my face and went downstairs to get breakfast. Dad was already up. And he drank his coffee, as usual. I said: “Morning, dad. How’d you sleep?” He said he had slept fine. I wasn’t quite the morning person, but if you had to work, you couldn’t show your bad mood. You just had to get over it. So I did. And I had improved a lot since I’d started. I drank my coffee, took my green coat and went out the door. It was windy again. As I crossed the fence, my feelings and thoughts seemed far away. Not that they were gone completely.

But I managed to put them to another place in my head. Somewhere deep down, locked in a metal box with Iron chains around it. Somewhere I was free from them. As I was walking, I mentally prepared myself for the encounter with that woman. If there was a person I hated because of their personality, it was her. She was always dressed in at least 3 layers of cloth, rich colours. Variations of blue, red and yellow. A walking-stick. A white hat on top of her head. That was her, she stood above all of it. It started raining, probably wouldn’t stop till around 3 PM. Again, this was typical for the season. After 45 minutes walking to work, I was glad to get into the warm store. Even if it meant talking to that terrible woman. Only 2 months left of it, anyways. My boss said I was late, but I was lucky because my client hadn’t arrived yet. The doorbell rang. And there she was, in all her magnificence. Standing in the door. “WHY ARE MY BEDSHEETS WRINKLED?!” she was screaming. I had a pretty good guess, but I didn’t want to provoke her. Provoking that woman meant having a death wish. Which I certainly didn’t have. “We’ll fix it straight away, Madam. Do not be concerned about any of it.” She scoffed. And then a mean smile lit her face. “Oh well, if it isn’t that Meyer girl. The one that’s leaving for America, off to another world. Away to leave her family behind? You should be ashamed of yourself, being so selfish.” She really topped it. I tried to figure out, how she had gotten the information. But if she knew, the whole town knew about it. She was the one with the biggest blabber mouth in town, if you wanted any gossip she’d know. “Dear Madam…, why don’t you mind your own business and do some shopping till your bedsheets are ready. I will not let myself be provoked by your opinions. You have yours and I have mine, so I’d appreciate it if we both accepted that fact and made peace with it.” It was hard controlling my anger towards her. Her reaction was not quite what I had anticipated, she smiled and then said in her nicest voice possible: “Little girls don’t tell me what to do or say, nor will you be able to dictate me away from doing and saying whatever I want.” She left the store, without the bedsheets. Which meant she was going to come back. I got started with washing them, then fixing the little holes in it, I was pretty sure she had moths, and after that I ironed it. After 3 hours she came back. A demanding glance on her face. I gave her what she wanted. She gave me a polite “thank you” and left. After what felt like thousands of customers later, I was finally done for the day. It was 7:30 PM. The stars lit my way. And I couldn’t wait to get home. It had been an awful day. On days like that I just wanted to disappear into thin air and come back when it was over. My siblings were already home. The babies were asleep. What a carefree time that had been. My 2-years- younger sister was waiting for me in the living room. “Hey there. I missed you. What’s been going on lately? I know something’s up” and she was right. She must’ve overheard a talk mom and dad had about me leaving. “Yeah, you’re right. Something is. I’m leaving for the United States. In 2 months’ time. And mom and dad have been talking about it. Now you know” And her eyes were filled with tears. “I don’t want you to go. I’ll just chain myself to you, then they can’t take you away from me” But we both knew that this was a stupid idea. “We’ve got to figure something out. But I won’t leave that soon, kiddo. You can’t shake me off so easily.” I hugged her and we talked. About everything and nothing. We spent the rest of the evening talking. And I got my safe world back. Even if it was just a few hours, these few hours were worth the world. And I knew I had to spend as much time with her as I could. Because we didn’t know what would happen after. No one knew if we’d see each other again. No one knew about the future, but that was okay. Because it was just the way things were. If I had known then how short a time it was, I would’ve valued it more than I did.

So that’s it for today. Nothing more, nothing less. But yet enough, I hope.
Goodnight, morning, afternoon or whatever it is at yours right now.
Yours truly,

1st chapter of my first book

Dear Readers,
As promised here are the next 2 pages of my book. This week, I sadly can’t give you 3 pages like last week. I have been working on the 1st chapter and I’ve only written 2 more pages so far. Hopefully there will be more next week. And please be open, to criticise and give me any constructive feedback you might have. I’d be really thankful for this. So let’s get started:

Chapter 1
February 20, 1891.

It was a cold day in February and the wind was blowing outside. You could hear the windows and the door creak. But it was nothing unusual for those cold late winter months. I got up and went to wash my face. Breakfast was already on the table. My parents were really quiet. We had been fighting, about money and about how it wasn’t enough to feed the whole family. And that my brother couldn’t afford to send all the money here, because of course he needed some money of his own to live through the years. I missed him. Thinking about my brother, away in America, it made me wonder if he missed us too. “Good morning Henriette. Do you want some tea? We have to talk about something, honey.”, my dad said. And I already knew what it was about, they’d tell me to work harder and they’d tell me to find ways to earn more money to help pay the rent and to feed the kids. We had been 11 children, but now there were 7 of us left. My brother went to work in America and he’d send clothes and money over so we could survive. “Yeah I’d like some, thanks. And what is it, you want to talk about with me? Is it the same old subject again? Because I am trying my best and I can’t work any harder.” And it was true. I was trying, but a white sewer just didn’t get that much payment. It wasn’t the best job one could have but I had arranged myself with it and now I was starting to like it. “We know you are, honey, but it’s just not enough. And we can barely pay our rent. Your brother knows a rich Jewish couple in New York city. They need a new cook by June, because their old cook has found another Job and left them. And we were thinking that you could go and be theirs. Your mother taught you how to cook when you were very young and your meals are delicious.” He said it in a voice so carefree, it made me shudder. Sending off his daughter, like it was nothing. And my mother said nothing. Like she didn’t care. But I could see that her eyes were a little misty. “So, you’re sending me away. And you don’t care at all. You’ve got enough kids around here and you can’t afford me anymore? Look, could you just tell me another reason than money to leave this country? I know there are much more chances than here and my brother lives there, but here’s my home, my family that I’d miss so much. And friends I’d have to leave here. I can’t leave in 4 months. I just can’t!” The message started to sink in. I couldn’t leave in 4 months it just wasn’t enough time. My life was here, and not it a country over the ocean where I didn’t know anyone except my brother and his wife. I would have to leave everything I loved and knew behind, and I wasn’t ready. I was 20 years old and I didn’t know if I would be ready to get out into the real world. “We care, we care a lot about you. And we’re doing this in your best interest. You deserve to get the chance to have a life with more opportunities than we had in your age. And we’re sending you there because we trust you enough to go alone and do great things. We, as your parents, made a promise to ourselves on the day you were born. We promised to keep you safe and to make you ready for this world out there. And now you are. We already bought you a ticket. The train will take you to Hamburg and from there, a ship will take you to Liverpool from where you’ll get on a ship to the haven of New York city. You’re leaving in May. In 3 months, you’ll take the train and go out into the real world. You have to be strong. Harder times are coming and we want you to be safe.” Just to be sure, were they serious? But they always were. And I didn’t really have a choice, did I? They left me none, but that didn’t mean they could just send me off.

And they’d soon realise that they couldn’t live without me and they’d get back their senses anyways. I’d just give it time. And they’d forget it. But deep in my heart I knew that this wouldn’t happen. And deep in my heart I knew that chances were better if we were separated. But it hurt. And I didn’t want to hurt. I didn’t want to think about it. “I have work to get done” I said bitterly. I left the breakfast table and my parents in the kitchen. I ignored them as they started mumbling something about me being childish and not acting like an adult. Then I dressed myself and went for a walk. I just had to get out of there and cool down. But it was hard. Because yet again they had made my decision. Of course, America was the country where everyone could do what they wanted, but it was also more than a thousand miles away. And I’d have to leave everything that I knew behind. I did have an affinity for English and it had been my favourite subject at school. But was it enough to survive over there? One was expected to be able to take responsibility at the age of 19 years. And I would be asked to manage my life. I was 19 but I wasn’t ready. It was just too early. The wind made it harder to walk, it kept getting stronger. And it was just like the wind was telling me something. I just kept walking, away from the house, across the lawn. Out the garden gate and away from the unknown. My home suddenly seemed so small. And I kept walking till I had reached the beach. There it was, a sea of nothingness. I kept staring into the distance and out to the vastness of the ocean. And it scared me. Not the vastness of the ocean but more what was before me. I didn’t know what would happen when I’d leave them. I looked around, all the dunes in which I had used to play hide and seek with my siblings when I was a kid. They had always seemed so huge. Now they were about half my size and I couldn’t hide, not anymore. And I understood, suddenly I knew that I had to leave. My childhood was over and it was time for me to grow up. But growing up was scary, it meant leaving behind things and people that meant safety. It meant leaving the nest. Turning around, I took a new way. I went for a walk down the coast. It was more of a jog than a walk and before I knew it, I was running. I didn’t know why or what from, but I kept getting faster. And as I was running it felt like those were the so-called winds of change. Everything became clear for a moment. And I knew I’d have to jump into the unknown of the future. When I stopped I realised that it was already noon, I had been gone the whole morning. And I found myself 2 hours away from home. On my way heading back home I bumped into my best friend. We chitchatted a bit. But then she suddenly said: “What’s going on with you? I know that look, something’s wrong. So, tell me. I’m here for you.” And she really was my best friend, she always knew. “It’s okay. I’m okay. It’s just that…I’m leaving in a few months. I’m leaving for America. And I don’t know when or if I’ll ever come back. It just feels like I’m not ready. I just feel like I need more time. I mean, this is not fair. My parents kicking me out of the house like that and they’re still taking every chance to decide over what or what isn’t going to happen with my life.” I just had to get it out, because inside I was fighting with myself and I couldn’t take it anymore. “So, when exactly are you leaving? And did they already make a choice? I don’t understand, why now?” she seemed very confused and astonished. Of course, she was because that was mostly what I was feeling. “They have decided for me to be there by June, which means I’m leaving approximately on the 15th of May. I can’t believe it’s only 4 months. It’s just not enough time. And I don’t know how to deal with it. Because I’m torn, my life is not my own and I just realised that I missed work for the whole day. I’m a mess, right?” I was freaking out and I had to get it together, for there was no time to break down right now. I had already let myself go, rushing off like a 4-year-old that had been told the word “No”. But I couldn’t keep doing this, especially not if I wanted to show my parents that I was a grown woman who could manage her life on her own and could make smart decisions. Right now, I was far from being grown and smart. I was scared.

Now, I know this isn’t as much as last week but I still hope you enjoyed. Tomorrow I’ll go to the mountains with school, building igloos and going snowshoeing. I’m a bit off today so please excuse me for writing confusing.
I hope you’re all doing great and I am looking forward to writing this book.
Good night, day, morning or whatever it is at yours right now.
Yours truly,

Prologue of my first book

Dear Readers,
As I promised yesterday, here are the first three pages of my book I’ve recently started. It’s really more of a first try than the actual version that it will be. So here we go:


“This is not fair, and you know it’s not” she screamed at her mother. And Henriette did know. But she also knew that there were hard times coming. And if Else kept going to school and wanted to go to university, they wouldn’t get through the next winter. The money just wasn’t enough. Even if the teachers would pay the admittance fee, there would be too many other expenses that had to be covered. The money they had, just barely covered the rent of their little apartment. And they had to buy food and warm clothes to keep them alive during the cold winters in Stralsund. And there would be no one to help them. “Of course I do. But life’s far from fair most of the time. And I know this, believe me. Do you even know what it’s like, to leave everything you know and love behind and get on a ship to a far-off land you don’t know a thing about?” Maybe this wasn’t the best idea either, in ways of persuasion, but it was necessary that Else knew everything. Maybe then, she would understand the reasons why her mother wanted her to go to work and bring money into their lives. It would be easier for her to also see life from another point of view. And for once stop these time-eating discussions about whether she should or shouldn’t go to university. “Mom, what are you talking about? Is this another one of your filthy tricks to try and talk me out of this? Because if it is, it’s not working. You won’t get me into believing this is the right way.” She was still yelling.” Would you, please just once, sit down and listen to my point of view and my reasons? I never got the chance to go off and study at university. And I never got the opportunities you have nowadays.” And it was true, the choice had never been hers to make. Back then it was just: Honour your parents’ choices and get to work, either that or you don’t have to come back.” Alright, I’ll sit down with you and we’ll have a talk. I’ll listen to your reasons and then decide whether or not I’ll do whatever I want without taking your point of view into consideration. But after that, don’t confront me about it ever again.” And those were big words spoken, out of the mouth of a 16 year-old. Henriette stood up and put the kettle on and prepared two cups for the both of them. “Alright, I’ll try to tell you as detailed and clearly as possible. And if you don’t understand something just ask me and I’ll try to explain. I’ll tell you how it all began. The journey to an unknown place, a place where dreams were bound to come true, so they said.” The kettle made a whistling sound and the water started boiling. There was a moment of silence between them and the only noise came from the kettle. Henriette put the water in the cups and over the new tea bags.” Why now, mom? I’d have the chance to get something you could’ve only dreamed of.

And you’re doing everything possible to take that away from me. I just don’t understand!” And there they went again, Else reminded Henriette of herself when she was that age. Very stubborn and always wanting to get her way. And it was understandable she was hurt. But it was important that the story was told. Because if it wasn’t who would tell it to the next generation?” This story I’m going to tell you started in the year 1892. To be a bit more detailed, a few years before that. At that time, I was, a few years older than you are now, 20 years old. I remember that day, very well. It was a rainy day and my parents sat me down I the kitchen, just like I do with you right now. We had been having problems with the money for quite some time. And my brother William, who already lived in the United States of America had told us about the opportunities you had there. The chance to earn more money was higher than here in Germany. And they decided for me to join my brother in New York city. He knew a Jewish family that needed a cook. As a white sewer I didn’t think it was the greatest idea to leave home, immigrate into another country and work there as a cook. But as so often they wanted to decide for me. And they did. I wasn’t so keen on doing what my parents wanted me to do, so there I was arguing with them. Trying to convince them to let me stay. And I was angry. Mostly at my parents, for they gave me no choice but also at the situation. But after some time to myself I realised what an opportunity that was. Something I wouldn’t get again too soon. And since I didn’t really have a choice, I made peace with the decision. Now, I don’t want to tell you what to do and how to feel or react. But I do want you to know that you’re understood and that you’re not alone.” She knew exactly how Else was feeling. Because she hadn’t felt differently at that time. And it was a big decision. She understood better than anyone. Else took a sip of her tea. It was getting cold in their little apartment. Typical for that time of the year. The wind was blowing, wouldn’t be a surprise if it started snowing soon. “Mom ,I understand that it must’ve been hard when your parents forced you to move to NYC. But I believe that this might make it a lot easier to see why I’m having such a hard time getting used to the idea of not going back to school next summer. I know you wanted to stay home and be with your family but if you really wanted it, why didn’t you just play the bull and stay? I mean, you were 20 years old, you were an adult and able to make your own decisions and take your own chances. What stopped you?” And she had a point. A very good point, Henriette suddenly started wondering whether or not she would’ve done it differently with a higher self-esteem. And she didn’t know. But the past was past and they weren’t talking about her future but her daughters’. So, she tried to focus on the actual matter. And it was so hard, because her daughter was right. She couldn’t blame her. And that was the difficult part.

But it was time to tell the story of her life and her journey to the United States and about her time she spent there to save her family but also how she found herself there. How she saw the world with different eyes. And about how she learned that life was always about surprises, good and bad. It was a story worth telling and a story that should not be forgotten. It was a story that would live on for generations. And a story that had happened a million times in millions of different versions. A story worth the time of its listener. “I’m afraid I can’t answer you that question, she sighed, but I can tell you that I don’t regret anything I’ve done and I wouldn’t change it if I could. For those things have shaped me in who I am. And I hope that you will understand that, after I’ve told you my side of things. And I hope you will see that not all the things that don’t seem like the best, have a bad impact on your future.” Those were big words spoken but as she knew her daughter, this discussion was far from over. Then something happened, something unexpected. Else looked at her in a way that she hadn’t been looked at in a long time. In those beautiful brown eyes was coldness, the kind of coldness that creeps into your bones and makes you shudder. And she took a deep breath. IN and OUT. Another one, IN and OUT. “Tell me your story, I’ll give you one chance, and one chance only, to tell me why I should take the apprenticeship instead of studying at the university.” And Henriette took another sip of her tea and sighed, she would get it all out, all those memories. The memories that haunted her at night when she was too wide awake, so she couldn’t sleep. The memories that made her flinch when she thought about them but also the happy memories, the ones that she’d never forget. The ones that made her smile when they popped up in her head. And there were many of those as well. It’d be a pleasant but at times also sad ride into the past where everything started. And so she went. She was very slow at first but as she went on it kept getting faster and more lively.

So this is it. The first three pages. I didn’t really find out how to get the layout right but i just made breaks where there is a new page. Thanks in advance for reading it and also for giving me constructive feedback, on how I could make it better and what I could change. I wish you all an amazing evening, day, night or afternoon. Whatever time it is, from wherever you’re reading this from.
Yours deeply,

A new beginning

Dear Readers,
I haven’t written any blogpost since about half a year. I took a break and some time off, because I didn’t feel the passion of writing and reading like I used to. Now we’re in 2018 and I’m not a different person at all. But here I am lying to myself and to you. Because I am. We all are, everyday. We are a new version of ourselves. Maybe in a way, even a better person. But how do we define better?How do we even define what’s good or bad or normal? We simply don’t know. And no one has the right to say they do. Because it is simply beyond our knowledge. And we’ll never know. But that doesn’t or shouldn’t bother us. We might think, what’s the purpose? Why should we live our daily lives and do our daily tasks if it doesn’t matter in the end anyways? Why should we love, think or feel? Because we have the privilege to do so. We have this big opportunity to create things. To have ideas. To make this world a newer and maybe even better place, if there is such a thing. Now we were given this great, amazing gift of life. And what makes this world so interesting is that we’re all different people. With different talents and with different beliefs. We are this world full of different people that can learn so much from each other. And we are, everyday. Now I’ve gone away completely from what I actually wanted to tell you. I took a break, from wordpress and this blog, because I wanted to figure myself out. And a lot can change when you’re away for sometime. I figured that breakups can happen out of love and that it’s a lot easier to heal when it is that way. And I figured that friends are an extremely important factor in life because they build your support system and they accept you for exactly who you are. I figured that life is much more adventurous than I thought it was and many other things. Having time to think can be great, but it can also suck. Because sometimes you are overthinking and then you can’t get out of your head. And I’m still trying to learn that it’s okay to, sometimes, put yourself first. But as I was saying, I’m still trying to learn it, my friends and family, and the people I care about are more important that I am, it used to be their well-being first and then mine. I’d say now it’s near equal. But I guess we’ve all got things to work on. What I really wanted to announce is that I’m working on a story right now for my last year in High School and I want to share this story in progress with you. I’d put in here one page each week. Two pages if things work out well. The story is based on the life of my great-great-grandmother who emigrated to the United States of America in 1892. And she stayed there for 10 years. Sadly there is not much known about the time there, so I am inventing it. And I wanted to ask you, if yo could give me a respectful feedback on the parts that I show you. So far I’ve only written the prologue. But if you guys want to see it this week, tell me in the comments. I will post it on here as soon as you tell me. You would get weekly updates and I’d make it a series. I could also write about my progress and how the research is going. What do you think? There would be philosophy stuff on here too, because I love it and I want to study it at university next year. It feels so good to write again. And as I’ll be in need of my computer anyways, I’ll use this as an opportunity to blog again. I hope you are all doing good and if you’re not I hope you feel better soon. You are all amazing human beings and you deserve happiness.
Good night, morning or whatever it is where you are right now.
Yours deeply,